High of 75

hands and feet

2011-11-29T16:10:00.001-06:00

i cry every time i watch this video. what a beautiful man. this is what the heart and hands and feet of jesus look like.

fb etiquette

2011-11-18T11:32:00.001-06:00

some days i feel like deleting my facebook account only because people use it so poorly! why is it that no one seems to know the proper etiquette to posting online? if your marriage is in trouble, why would you EVER put your relationship status as a jaunty "it's complicated?" INAPPROPRIATE! if your parents are going through a rough patch in their marriage, crytic facebook statuses about it are also not appropriate, especially when they don't have their own facebook accounts and can't see what you're writing about them. updating your status 3+ times a day? we don't care - get a twitter account if you feel like posting every time you inhale or exhale. also, writing all over your spouses wall that you love them, want them to take out the garbage and asking them if they want to go for a walk later is annoying to anyone that has to see it - do you not live together?? can you not call this person? text them? leave them a note on the table in your own writing?? GOODNESS.

ok, so i needed to rant. all of these things i have seen done BY ADULTS who are my friends on facebook. time to be educated by this clever article i found entitled, "how to not be hated on facebook."

1. Stop taking quizzes. Nobody cares what literary time period you are.
2. If you sync your Twitter account to Facebook so that you fill others' news feeds with a constant stream of mundane updates and references to people with little @ symbols before their names, be prepared for people to de-friend you. Maybe even in real life.
3. Don't friend someone you don't actually know
4. If you must friend someone you don't know, include a message explaining why you are doing so. For example, "Hi, I'm your cousin's roommate!" would suffice.
5. Actually, no. Why would your cousin's roommate want to be your friend? That's still weird.
6. Don't invite people to events if they don't live in your city. I'm glad you still live in our old college town, but guess what? I don't. Even if I did, I still wouldn't waste my Friday night listening to you play music at that vegan coffee shop I frequented when I was 19 because I couldn't get into bars.
7. I'm sorry your grandfather died of emphysema, but I will not join your "cause."
8. Make sure all your photos are rotated in the proper direction. How will people know how fun your Fourth of July barbecue was if every picture looks like you fell over?
9. If you create a group called "Lost my cell phone; need your numbers!," I will join, but I won't give you my number.
10. Cryptic status updates about your mental state — "Rachel is trying so hard," "Rachel wishes things were different," "Rachel is starting her life over" — don't make you sound intriguing, just lonely and pathetic.

all things said, if you don't know the correct way to use social networking sites, don't use them or at least EDUCATE yourself for the sake of my sanity!

end rant.

getting into you

2011-07-09T15:50:00.000-05:00

When I made up my mind
And my heart along with that
To live not for myself
But yet for God, somebody said
Do you know what you are getting yourself into

When I finally ironed out
All of my priorities
And asked God to remove the doubt
That makes me so unsure of these
Things I ask myself, I ask myself
Do you know what you are getting yourself into

[Chorus]
I'm getting into you
Because you got to me, in a way words can't describe
I'm getting into you
Because I've got to be
You're essential to survive
I'm going to love you with my life

When he looked at me and said
I kind of view you as a son
And for a second our eyes met
And I met that with a question
Do you know what you are getting yourself into

[Chorus]

I've been a liar and I'll never amount to
The kind of person you deserve to worship you
You say you will not dwell on what I did but rather what I do you say
I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into

[Chorus]

He said, I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into

relient k.

reminisce

2011-06-30T11:40:00.002-05:00

I miss being able to sing. I have no voice now, its sad.

chose one.

2011-06-16T00:56:00.002-05:00

what is the most sad?
a) that vancouver lost the stanly cup in game 7.
b) the dangerous, uneccessary violence and head-shots the players take on each other, and how its ruining the integrity of the sport.
c) the horrible treatment of sows (helpthepigs.com).
d) the crowd's violent, destructive riot post game.

i could make an e) all of the above, but i really am curious.

life is so good.

2011-05-23T15:30:00.004-05:00

saw this on oprah last week. what an amazing story, and what an adorable man! seriously so cute and so incredibly inspiring. it teaches me not to take my "right" to learn for granted. my favorite part is him reading the bible, and reading his birthday cards!

never say never.

2011-04-27T23:49:00.003-05:00

ok so tonight a great and willing friend of mine went to see justin bieber: never say never with me. i have always liked justin - a cute canadian who had actual talent, and doesn't seem to be an idiot who does bad things and is a good role model to kids out there. also, its really just SO refreshing to have someone in the music industry who actually has TALENT and has worked hard to get where he is. he didn't have famous parents or a disney channel show to get him fame - he worked his butt off and his own musical talent got him where he is today. all he tells his fans is to chase after their dreams and not let anyone tell them they can't achieve them. and he plays like 10 instruments, and really cares about his fans. i gotta say, if this was 10 years ago i would feel about him like i did about bsb. he's like bsb, the way the fans are just CRAZY about him, whether 3 years old or 50 years old. and i get it. the movie was so good - it was incredible to see his journey, his family and friends so proud and supportive of him, and see him goofing around like any 17 year old would. if you have any desire at all to see it, DO. i want to see it again. i almost cried like 4 times, mostly because his family was just so proud of him. and i love all his crying fangirls, who just bawl because he exists. i can relate all too well, ha ha!

speaking of crying over j. biebs, here is the cutest video ever. the first one is an adorable 3 year old who was having a bad day, who claims she is crying over justin bieber because she loves him so much. second video is her getting to meet him, possibly the cutest thing ever because she is SO HAPPY. she just leaps on him and then happily clutches his hands. so cute. enjoy!

Click to see a 3 year old crying over Justin Bieber. Then watch the following video:

when i survey

2011-04-21T21:56:00.003-05:00

i cannot handle this version of this song. so beautiful. be blessed this easter!
he lived just to die for our sins and rose from the grave to live again!

yahweh

2011-04-21T21:45:00.002-05:00

probably the best easter song ever. i love how it goes through jesus' entire life.
i get chills and cry almost every time.
i can also hardly watch this without crying because mama hopper starts crying. :'(

pickles

2011-04-16T15:57:00.004-05:00

for many, many years, i was obsessed with pickles.

although my love of pickles was exclusively to the dill variety, i lived on them for a lot of my childhood, snacked on them at potlucks, and of course, crammed myself full of as many of my baba's as i could fit inside of my stomach.

pickles got me through studying for exams, gross meals at the caf, and 3 am walks with friends. when we got together, we could easily polish off a big jar, the three of us, no problem!

alas, a few years ago, i lost my love of the pickle.

i still liked pickles as a friend, but i just couldn't eat as many as i used to.

perhaps it was that time i choked on the juice of one at the pancake house...i was really never the same after that.

i passed on them at potlucks. i neglected them because sadly, i think i overdid it for about 19 years.

lately, however, i have been craving pickles SO BADLY. terrell said we were out and i nearly cried. i frantically tore the pantry apart until i found the final jar we had - it was small, with baby dills inside. i polished it off myself in approximately 3 minutes.

we went shopping today and i bought some (i know) because i couldn't possibly wait until the weekend to get more. i didn't eat lunch before we went so i could (what else?) eat pickles for lunch! okay, maybe a grilled cheese sandwich too.

so, i don't know how, i don't know when, but my love returned to me.

this means that i'm either:

a) pregnant

or

b) the pickle fast is officially OVER!

**hint....its b.....

music.

2011-04-05T23:03:00.003-05:00

I have always loved music. The last few years I have hardly listened to any, however. I think living with roomates at school made me want to be respectful of their likes and dislikes, so I just didn't listen to any. It made me fall a little bit out of love with music. But lately I have found myself really enjoying fantastic songs that are either sung well, have great lyrics, or both. So here are some of the songs I can't seem to get enough of lately as I re-fall in love with music (in no particular order):

1. Oh Me, Oh My (Imogen Heap) - I love this song, especially the part in the middle where she sings, "Oh God, are you there? Are you there? Are you out there? Are you there if so where are you hiding? I'm having trouble finding you." I don't know how she means it in the song, but its such an emotional part of the song for me, and I love how she just belts it out.

2. Candlelight (Imogen Heap) - This is such a beautiful song. I love the piano. I actually dream of performing this song somewhere, playing the piano and belting it out. I actually think that if I found out I only had a few months to live, I would force Glenn to learn this, and we would sing it somewhere, in front of friends and family, maybe at the Bend Theatre. That would make me happy and would be something I would want to do before I died. Morbid, I know. Sorry.

3. Need You Now (Glee version!) - I really didn't like this song when it came out by Lady Antebellum. No offence to them. The lyrics are kinda dumb, oh I'm drunk, come to me! But for some reason hearing this version made me hear it in a new way. That, and I love Puck's voice - he is amazing! Sing more on Glee!!

4. That Should Be Me (J. Biebs & Rascal Flatts) - I really enjoy this, because I love RF, and yes, I like Justin too (he has a really great voice!). Well sung, enjoyable, and yeah, its so catchy I just keep listening to it!

5. Alone (Heart) - Probably the best song of all time. It will never, EVER lose its magic to me. She is so so so amazing! The best voice ever! During my apathetic music days, this song got me through. It bothers me that kids these days only know this song because of a crappy cover, especially when this one is so fabulous. Love you Heart, and love the exploding piano in the video!

EDIT: Ann's still got it! And Carrie is just unbelieveable! Oh my WORD. Check this out!

singing bird.

2011-03-15T00:19:00.003-05:00

i can't stop watching this video, its hilarious! it makes me die laughing every time.

make sure you turn up the volume, because the quality is poor. terrell and i saw it on AFV and immediately looked it up online because we had to watch it again!

Enjoy this bird reciting a nursery rhyme! so funny!

10 reasons

2011-02-23T11:27:00.004-06:00

10 reasons to smile after a crappy day:

1. new dresses.
2. bright colored tights.
3. blue eyed optimistic children.
4. sweet old ladies.
5. forehead kisses from my hubby.
6. cold, refreshing water to drink.
7. supportive colleagues.
8. a warm heater at my feet.
9. the promise of shoe shopping.
10. trust in my God...he is good.

virtue and moir

2011-01-24T16:19:00.004-06:00

okay, i just want them to GET MARRIED! i just refuse to believe that they are dating other people. in my dream world they make me happy, like salle and pelletier and get married and have babies and love each other forever (although upon writing this i researched and found out they got a divorce. crap!). regardless, look at this chemistry! i absolutely think he is in love with her, from the way he looks at her to the way he cares for her. yes, they need to get married. thus sayeth the janna. can i get an amen?

praise you in this storm.

2011-01-21T13:00:00.004-06:00

generally, casting crowns just change my life. even if i'm not going through a hard time, this song brings me to tears! so beautiful, and i love the words. its not always easy to praise God when we don't feel like it, but we must, because he never leaves us. the line that always gets me is, "You are who You are, no matter where I am." God is the same yesterday, today, forever - praise God for that! no matter how we stray he is always the same loving God.

enjoy!

sleeeeepy...

2011-01-10T14:14:00.003-06:00

so i have basically not been well since i got married.

constant colds (sore throat, stuffiness), perpetual but never completed flu-like symptoms (digestive issues, nausea, fever, seriously nauseous every time i eat, etc), and constantly, and i mean CONSTANTLY exhausted. and with that comes debilitating migraines that know me out for a few days usually.

i thought stress probably was a factor, being newly married and switching jobs only a few months into our marriage. but lately i have been more aware of how tired i am. like if we have a retreat on a weekend, or a busy weekend, i basically need to sleep for 3 days straight to begin to feel decent. i guarenteed get a cold and usually drag myself around for the next two weeks.

also, my body aches. i have been seeing a chiropractor for six+ months, and its been really great, but i find my body aches when i get into bed at night. my muscles are sore and certain joints will throb.

i have been thinking too lately that i need to get to an eye doctor because my eyes throb/feel strained alot so i guess my perscription must have changed.

and since getting married, i have been unable to multitask. terrell often gets irritated with me because he'll talk to me when i am cooking to watching tv and i can't listen to him while i am doing it, so i never hear what he's said.

anyways, all this said, and after sleeping in today for the third day in a row and feeling like it was impossible to wake up, i started to wonder if maybe i have chronic fatigue syndrome.

so i looked it up on wikipedia (where else!) and here if what i found.

You may have CFS if you have experienced:

1. A new onset (not lifelong) of unexplained, persistent fatigue unrelated to exertion and not substantially relieved by rest, that causes a significant reduction in previous activity levels.
2. Four or more of the following symptoms that last six months or longer:

Impaired memory or concentration
Post-exertional malaise, where physical or mental exertions bring on "extreme, prolonged exhaustion and sickness"
Unrefreshing sleep
Muscle pain
Pain in multiple joints
Headaches of a new kind or greater severity
Sore throat, frequent or recurring
Tender lymph nodes

Other common symptoms include:

Irritable bowel, abdominal pain, nausea, diarrhea or bloating
Chills and night sweats
Brain fog
Chest pain
Shortness of breath
Chronic cough
Visual disturbances (blurring, sensitivity to light, eye pain or dry eyes)
Allergies or sensitivities to foods, alcohol, odors, chemicals, medications or noise
Difficulty maintaining upright position (orthostatic instability, irregular heartbeat, dizziness, balance problems or fainting)
Psychological problems (depression, irritability, mood swings, anxiety, panic attacks)

so that sounds a lot like me. holy crap. and i think we have some in our family (like i think my uncle has it? not sure) so it wouldn't be unlikely. hmm. something to look into.

on another note, i keep dreaming about being somewhere warm and tropical, and lying in the sun. maybe i should start taking vitamin d. ha ha.

there's my health report for you as of now!

i celebrate the day

2010-12-24T00:31:00.001-06:00

i have posted this before but its just too good. i love this song and i am blessed to know the one who was born so i might live.

And with this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know how much You've touched my life
Because here is where You're finding me, in the exact same place as New Year's eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be

And the first time
That You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior?
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever ?

And so this Christmas I'll compare the things I felt in prior years
To what this midnight made so clear
That You have come to meet me here

To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
In the hope that what You did
That you were born so I might really live
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me

And I, I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life

- Relient K

beethoven's 5th symphony

2010-11-09T17:59:00.001-06:00

on a grumpy day, this made me happy. i love the finale!

monster mash

2010-10-31T20:19:00.002-05:00

this just makes me laugh.

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

i can't tell which one is funnier!

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

i heart autotunes.

2010-09-11T23:56:00.002-05:00

this still makes my day. if i need to be happy, all i need to do is press play, dance, and sing along!

my top 5.

2010-07-27T21:10:00.011-05:00

my experience yesterday with the funniest video i have ever seen has inspired to me to post my top 5 favorite youtube videos of the moment, and why i love them so much! dedicated to my dad, the biggest youtube fan i know. so lets get down to business!

Honorable Mention - Oh Don Piano!

This oldie of the talking cat is so hilarious that I cannot watch it without laughing. Poor thing is sick or scared, but he makes some hilarious sounds! WHY I EYES YA! Love it.

Ok but here we go:

#5 - When Elephants Retire.
This video makes me teary every time - its so sweet! When the elephant has her head against the gate and she's just sitting there looking sad...aww. What a nice video!

#4 - Single Ladies Devastation.
Terrell found this, and I think its so funny and adorable. I love the kids reaction and the way the dad ends the video is priceless!

#3 - Sam Tsui - Summer Pop Medley.
Sam Tsui singing a sick arrangement of every song that was popular this spring = AWESOME. He is so talented and really I could listen to him sing anything.

#2 - Boys Will Be Girls.

I think I should be offended, but its WAY too funny to be! Between the OMGs and the hun cal fro yos, I am too busy laughing to care! And the gust of wind thing always gets to me!

...and finally...the number 1 video is....

#1 - DOUBLE RAINBOW.
Okay, so Jess showed this to me last night...I have not laughed this hard in a long time. I actually had the same reactions as the guy in the video. I laughed, I cried, at one point I sobbed, "make it stop! Its too much!" right when he also declared it to be too much. Basically only watch this if you are in a giddy mood or else it won't be nearly as hilarious. But I can't even think about it without laughing my head off. And yes, apparently he was sober when this video was filmed!

Bonus! Double Rainbow Autotune song! Its so catchy! Its been in my head all day!!

I hope you enjoyed my video selection! Tell me yours!

no greater love have i ever known.

2010-07-20T11:22:00.003-05:00

this song just gets me and makes me weep. terrell and i asked katie and glenn to sing it at our wedding and i am so glad they did. to me this song blows my mind because it describes my relationship with God and my relationship with terrell. i love the picture it paints of just being at rest in God's presence. it reminds me of those times that terrell and i are just together, enjoying each other's company, and knowing that God is a part of that too. i am always so astounded that God not only loves me, but considers me to be his friend, too. if i think of him as a friend, and not just as something i can't see, i find it so much easier to imagine trusting him, spending time with him, and confiding in him. i just love this song.

reception

2010-07-01T11:34:00.002-05:00

this weekend terrell and i are flying out to ontario to see his family and friends, as well as have a second wedding reception! i get to wear my dress again, we get to hear some speeches again, and we get to each cake and most likely receive presents again (like we need anything else!).

it will be nice to re-live our wedding, even though we won't know as many of the people who are there (it will mostly be terrell's parents' friends and church people) it will still be great. and luckily for me, i will have some family there! kristin and tyler are stopping in on their drive home so they will be there to celebrate with us. and, perhaps the most surprising of all, MY MOM is coming!! she is flying out with us tomorrow morning and driving back with my siblings. crazy! i am really excited that it all worked out! my mom has never flown before so it could be interesting! but she is a brave lady so i am sure all will be well.

so that's where i'll be for the next few days. have a great canada day!!

thoughts.

2010-06-21T16:16:00.003-05:00

i hate when its dark out ALL DAY. it makes me depressed.

money stresses me out.

my chiropractor makes me feel better.

i like sleeping on a real bed.

i like watching movies and tv.

i watched pearl harbor last night and didn't cry! its a first!

i miss my high school friends.

i love my husband.

i really like sour cream and onion ruffle chips. who knew?

grey's anatomy is my favorite show of all time. i love the characters like they are real, i love the medical drama, i love how the season finale makes me bawl like a baby EVERY YEAR.

i miss dancing.

i dislike when bad things happen to our car.

i am excited to see sarah soon!

my lips are dry.

i should blog more.

may 1st, 2010

2010-05-25T11:30:00.000-05:00

woot!

2010-04-21T11:11:00.001-05:00

I AM GETTING MARRIED IN 10 DAYS!!!

oh, be careful...

2010-03-30T20:50:00.002-05:00

i thought today for the first time in a long time about the song we sang in sunday school as a child:

oh be careful little eyes what you see

for the father up above is looking down in love

oh be careful little eyes what you see

oh be careful little lips what you say...

oh be careful little ears what you hear...

oh be careful little hands what you do...

oh be careful little feet where you go...

i thought of this song today because someone sent me an email that i wish i could remove from my memory.

it was prefaced as a "don't text and drive" email, and showed a series of photos of a smart car that was essentially inside a semi. the driver of the smart car was supposedly texting and crossed the centre line. it looked as though the semi had eaten the smart car - there was really nothing left of it.

there was a warning that the photos were graphic, but i thought the worst thing i would see would be some blood on the highway. i mean, the pictures of the car itself were graphic enough. and considering the person that sent it to me (an elderly person), i never thought it would be that bad.

well, it was that bad, and worse. the only way i can properly describe it is to say that i feel ruined. i was unprepared for close up shots of the smart car driver, who had been sliced in half from the accident, and (i assume), dead. you could see his face. one picture was of his face, and another was of his lower half.

i am sure even just describing that give you chills. well seeing it was worse. i almost vomited. i gagged over my garbage car at work, like i was there in person and had seen the results of the accident. after the initial shock wore off, i drove home and thought of the lyrics to that sunday school song. oh how i wish i had been careful enough to never see that! now the image is burned in my mind. i spent the day feeling as though i had gone through an ordeal. after bawling on terrell about it for half an hour, i had a long nap and the first thing i saw when i opened my eyes was that guy's face. i can't believe that is just out there on the internet. that is someone's SON and that is just being sent around all over the world as some kind of gore pornography. that makes me almost more sick than the image itself.

and so i am reflecting on the song, and though its simple and childish, it still rings true today. we put ourselves in places where we see, hear, do, and say things that we shouldn't. sometimes its not our fault, like today. and sometimes we let it slowly get to us, like listening to depressing music when we feel sad which only makes us feel worse. we must be careful, because not only is God always watching us, but because He wants to protect us from these things.

i wish He would have slapped His hands over my eyes today.

can i have this dance

2010-03-09T13:22:00.002-06:00

i have a question for y'all.

what do you think about this song? listen to the piano part. its really pretty. what about the words? i think they are actually quite nice.

i am mildly toying with the idea of having this play as i walk down the aisle. i just really think it sounds happy and lovely. terrell wants me to walk in to the theme from 'the holiday,' as its one of our favorite movies, but ashley walked in to it and i don't want to steal that from her.

so let me know what you think. my only hesitation is because of what movie the song is from...if you don't know, please listen to it unbiasedly and offer your opinion before you look it up.

also, again, sam tsui is incredible!

reminisce

2010-02-23T13:19:00.001-06:00

I was reading back over my blog because I was interviewed for CMU Sunday Radio this mornign about my Outtatown experience and I wanted to refresh my mind with some memories.

Looking back over my posts, I saw that I posted 100 times in 2006 (!). That is out of this world!

Not only was I posting often, but I usually had like 3-5 comments on each post. My friends and I were constantly commenting on each other's blogs.

It made me just miss those days when we all posted so frequently and had our own little network, and stayed in touch that way. :(

I wish I felt like posting more.

And I miss all y'all.

Just sayin'.

the consuming word

2010-02-17T16:51:00.011-06:00

its that time of the month again - sermon writing time.

the thing that annoys me about writing a sermon is that it MATTERS.

unlike the papers i wrote in school - they didn't matter. they just needed to be written so i could fulfill the 25% or 40% of my final grade.

sometimes it felt like grammar mattered more than content, that how i said what i said mattered more that what i was actually saying.

not that i wrote bad papers while i was in university. they were well done, and i put a lot of effort into them. but only one person read it (the prof) and writing them didn't affect my life.

the main thing is that when i took a break from writing papers, it was a break. i never thought of it. i went to bed and didn't think of the subject, i watched movies and ate food and stopped thinking about prayer and superstition or thomas muntzer.

with sermons, i cannot stop thinking about it. i lie in bed worrying about it. i make supper and ponder the meaning of the text. i pour over books and the internet trying to find examples that are meaningful and personal. i drive to and from work wondering if i am living out what i am saying in the sermon, if my example are clear, how to put all my thoughts together. i am afraid that i will come across as insincere instead of genuine, if people will think i am a phony. i kill my back and and eyes staring at my computer for days on end and feel like crying when at the end of the day i have only written 300 words that i will actually use in my sermon.

what i say in my sermon MATTERS. i am supposed to be nurturing people. challenging people. they need to relate to it - it has to be inclusive. it has to sound good - not just be read, but spoken. i need to write it to fill a need. and what i say in my sermon will be analyzed and critiqued, not just for marks, but for who i am as a person or faith and what i believe.

i cannot walk away; i can't seem to take a break. it follows me. i look at people interacting with each other and search for a way to include what they are doing into my sermon. i read the text over and over. i read the passages around the text. i memorize the text.

writing a sermon is so difficult because i can never escape. i am continuously caught by the consuming word.

recess

2010-02-11T13:55:00.007-06:00

its kinda funny how just one tiny thing can take you right back to the emotional state of being 10 years old.

a few days ago i was in terrell's apartment and as i was leaving, friend after friend of ours was coming into the apartment with food. they had decided to all make supper togeher and eat together, each person bringing different foods that were cooked together to create a dish.

i felt really awkward, because terrell was invited, and my roomate was participating, and i knew nothing about it. so i went back to my room to eat supper by myself in my apartment.

before i left terrell said i should stay if i wanted to, but i felt awkward because i didn't have any food to contribute to the meal. i also just felt awkward because frankly, i wasn't invited. even though terrell invited me in that moment (and his roomate sort of invited me to stay as i was leaving), i already felt shafted and didn't feel like staying. does anyone else get that? or am i alone here and you think i was being dumb for not staying?

(as an aside, i might have stayed after terrell's invite but i had a massive migraine and just needed quiet)

well i got back to my apartment and made a salad and was on the verge of tears the entire time. i thought at one point i might actually cry...and i felt ridiculous about it!! my friends didn't forget me to be mean, or to make some point...they just forgot, and in our busy lives i can't blame them. but i still felt like i was in grade 6 and my friends started playing a cool game at recess without me and then when i showed up they said i could be the maid while they were all princesses (hey, thats the way it was in the '90s).

i am not telling this story to make anyone feel bad, or to make you feel sorry for me, but rather to point out that a person can be quickly approaching 25 and still feel like a prepubescent.

people are weird.

Sam Tsui

2009-11-05T16:48:00.005-06:00

IS MY HERO!!!

this is seriously SICK. terrell showed me this and his version of "don't stop believin'" by journey today and i nearly lost it. he is amazing!! he has an incredible voice, and yes, that is him 6 times singing each of the 6 parts. his producer is the one beatboxing on the left.

so check this out - the michael jackson medley. i nearly died!

sunshine!

2009-11-05T10:49:00.003-06:00

...here comes the sun...do do do do....

cold weather is so much more bearable with sunshine! :)

my life is busy and hectic and that stresses me out sometimes.

when will i find time to get everything done??

but its also really good.

yesterday i was feeling inspired so i made a wedding binder!

it has all my receipts and important stuff like that in it. pretty sweet!

its blue and brown (like my wedding colors) and that makes me happy.

also, i am happy because i have been reconnecting more with old friends this year, like ashley and brynne. they have always been friends but i see them lots this year and its been just wonderful! it reminds me why we've been friends for so long. :)

i love coffee....mmm....

...and sunshine!

rainy day(s)

2009-10-29T19:33:00.002-05:00

this weather = the PITS.

seriously...

i need sun. i can't go six days in a row with no sun

without feeling depressed.

this weather makes me feel like hiding.

....or disappearing

i want to curl up in my blankets and block out the world,
because all i can see out my window is grey BLECH and dull sky.

seriously...

where is the sun?

God With Us - MercyMe

2009-10-29T13:33:00.002-05:00

(my fave song of the moment. i recommend listening to it, i get chills)

Who are we
That You would be mindful of us?
What do You see
That's worth looking our way?
We are free
In ways that we never should be
Sweet release
From the grip of these chains

Like hinges straining from the weight
My heart no longer can keep from singing

All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified
Emmanuel
God with us
My heart sings a brand new song
The debt is paid these chains are gone
Emmanuel
God with us

Lord You know
Our hearts don't deserve Your glory
Still You show
A love we cannot afford

Like hinges straining from the weight
My heart no longer can keep from singing

All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified
Emmanuel
God with us
My heart sings a brand new song
The debt is paid these chains are gone
Emmanuel
God with us

Such a tiny offering compared to Calvary
Nevertheless we lay it at Your feet

ENGAGED!!!!

2009-10-12T19:36:00.000-05:00

so i guess its finally safe to put out there on my blog...

I'M ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!

WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

terrell proposed and now we are engaged and it is lovely and happy. :)

it happened on our 3.5 year anniversary, on september 23.

we set the date for may 1, 2o1o. so in a few months from now, i will be mrs. wiebe.

WOW.

but most of all, i get to marry my best friend, the person whom i never tire of or can stay mad at, who infinitely interests me in what he has to say, who makes me feel loved, valued and beautiful, who reveals to me each day the love that God has for me. and the person who makes me feel complete.

and now we will never be apart again!!!!

(hopefully)

time sucks.

2009-04-14T01:10:00.001-05:00

sometimes i really hate time.

only because its the most reliably unrealibly reliable thing.

its reliable, because, well, its time. its set. it doesn't really change. 60 seconds per minute. 60 minutes per hour. 24 hours per day. and then it starts all over again.

so really, it should never be faster or slower. it should just be.

but in all actuality, it is rather inconsistant. because if it is supposed to be set...

how come when everyone i know is studying and i don't have to be time drags on forever? how come it seems to take millions of years for our 75 minute choir rehearsal to wrap up? why does it seem like hours for my tv show to load on my computer?

because time slows down sometimes?

then how is it that hours can pass when i feel like i just started a conversation with terrell? when i only have 20 minutes to finish an exam? why do i wake up exhausted every morning, feeling like the sun shot up into the sky quicker than it should have?

because time speeds up sometimes?

i really wish it wouldn't. i wish it would stop. not because i don't want to graduate, not because i don't want to write my exams. and not because i don't want to pack up my apartment.

(even though, in all honesty, i am really not looking forward to those last 2 things.)

i wish time would stop because every time i look at a calendar, i feel sick. every time i see how rapidly the end of april is approaching i want to cry. each night when i go to bed i cannot breathe. because each hour that passes is one hour closer to the hour that terrell drives away and doesn't come back for 4 months.

but of course, time will continue to speed along as usual. and then the summer will arrive and time will seem to stop, each minute equilavent to an hour.

i hate you time. you are really unfair.

unbeatable harmonies.

2009-03-29T16:22:00.002-05:00

guaranteed to make me cry, every time.

blessed assurance - the isaacs

buddy holly.

2009-02-03T16:19:00.003-06:00

today is the 50th anniversary of the day the music died.

whenever i think of buddy holly i wonder how much more he would have revolutionized the music industry if he wasn't on that plane that day.

he was only 22 and he had already done so much! too young to go, i think. it especially blows my mind now to think about because he was the same age as me.

enjoy this video of one of the greats. rip, buddy.

seven pounds.

2009-01-02T22:10:00.002-06:00

so we saw 'seven pounds' today.

i can honestly say that it changed my outlook on life.

i know i sound incredibly dramatic, especially because i am going to talk about something that will most likely make me sound silly. but this movie affected me in a profound way and gave me an epiphany that i feel the need to share.

i have never filled out my organ donor card. call me superstitious, but i was pretty much convinced that the day i signed it i would die in a car accident. yes, laugh. but i just felt like signing meant it would happen sooner than later.

this movie has made me realize that if i do die, giving my organs mean that someone else lives. i know i sound stupid saying this because thats probably what everyone who is given a donor card thinks and already knows, but it really struck me just now. are there people that i love enough to die for? yes. if i do die, why not offer someone else the chance to live in my place?

you see i always avoided it because i think things like this, for example. i am heading back to winnipeg on sunday, and i am excited to see terrell. i think about how awful it would be to get in a car accident on the way there, with the last time i saw terrell being the last time i see him ever.

i realize that signing my donor card does not increase my chances. yet i almost felt like signing it was conceding to death.

i fully believe and understand now that it is not. and i feel that by signing my donor card, i am placing my trust in God, and not in superstition or fate. if i do die, which i am not hoping to do anytime soon, i feel assured that my death will have a purpose and that as a result of it, others will have a chance at life.

tonight at 10:10 pm, i signed my organ donor card.

i'm not afraid, and i'm not looking back.

i heart the hoppers.

2008-10-16T19:23:00.000-05:00

so on tuesday night terrell and i went to a hoppers concert at grant memorial. it was basically amazing!! holy crap, they were mind-blowingly incredible and it was great to hear them live.

here is a video i took of them singing "jerusalem". it was basically the best thing ever. i only wish i had taped more songs, especially "yahweh" and "o holy night". so enjoy, y'all!

also, afterwards we went to their merch table and chatted with them. mama hopper even gave us a deal on two cd's and a dvd. it was amazing. what a great night!

apathetic is a pathetic way to be.

2008-10-08T13:23:00.000-05:00

so i haven't really felt like myelf lately. i mean i've been fine, actually doing really well lately, but something just feels not quite right and i've had difficulty understanding it.

i figured it out today.

today was a political forum. the candidates representing the 4 parties were there talking about their platforms and why we should vote for them. the campus was all abuzz. all i had heard all weekend was talk of politics, what everyone is passionate about and why they are voting for so and so.

i haven't been able to talk politics; partly because i don't know much of anything, but mostly because i frankly don't care at all. and i know i should, its important, but i just don't care.

i went. i listened. i laughed a few times. i felt uncomfortable sometimes.

but nothing changed. i still don't care.

i was pondering why this was that i had so little interest when it hit me.

i have been lost to apathy.

yes, i admit it. i am apathetic. and not just towards politics.

i used to be a passionate person. about god, friendship, life, music, even school sometimes. i had many passions. and now i feel like i have none.

i know what i should be passionate about. i am just not.

i have lost my passion.

its really weird and annoying. its not how i want to be, its not who i should be. but it is largely who i am now.

its just so much easier to be apathetic. easy to not care because then no matter what the result of anything i am left unaffected.

apathy is a scary place to be. its scary because it is so easy to get stuck here.

so i guess i am writing this so i can be held accountable to not be apathetic, and get out of this rut.

also i am really just writing this out to make more sense of it.

thanks for listening.

sorry.

2008-10-05T16:25:00.000-05:00

so i realize i kinda died with the 40 day challenge thing. the truth is i did in fact complete all 40 days. i was journalling them and then typing them, and by the end of the summer i just got too darn busy to type them out! if i didn't feel just as lazy now and could find the last few days, i would do so. so sorry everyone, i really enjoyed it and it was a great summer of blogging.

i will admit i haven't blogged since then out of shame. although i am busy i hope to periodically post little thoughts here and there when i can. this blog is my baby, and i refuze to let it die!

well thats all i really have to say. hopefully i'll post again soon.

love to all.

day twenty-six.

2008-07-27T01:56:00.000-05:00

I will never go outside. I will never go back to being blind. I need shine, I need shine. I need shine. Step away from my light I need shine.

- Laura Marling, Shine (Alas, I Cannot Swim)

Okay boring lyrics I realize but really pretty melody and singing in that part of the song. Man I am loving that CD lately.

I love sleeping in, relaxing, making some coffee, sitting in my chair and reading while drinking a coffee. I am grateful for having nothing to do.

I want to finish my book so I can look up what was real and what wasn’t. I am reading A Million Little Pieces by James Frey, which is turning out to be a sometimes interesting and sometimes boring I-will-skim-the-next-page, this-man-repeats-himself-so-freaking-much. And he is a really unlikeable person, I find, so cocky and self-righteous. Anyhoo its supposed to be a memoir but apparently he made up a lot of it and I am curious as to what.

Tonight Kelly was showing me her yearbook and I was like, man, this yearbook stinks like feet! This has to be the smelliest yearbook of life. And then she goes and gets another yearbook and says, no, this one is probably the smelliest. On the cover of said yearbook was a pair of footprints. Laughs were had!

I love Sandra, Kelly and Ryan's mom. She is so sweet and so beautiful and just awesome. I have always felt close to her, from the first time we met. She has that quality that just draws you to her. She has always been so kind to me as well. Tonight she was hula dancing talking about their trip to Hawaii and it was so funny and so...Sandra. She's just a great person and I really love talking to her and being around her.

day twenty-five.

2008-07-26T01:17:00.000-05:00

It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me. And I’m feeling good.

- Michael Bublé, Feeling Good (Caught in the Act)

After talking about CMU for a long time at supper tonight, I must say that I am really grateful that I am planning on graduating in 3 years with my three-year degree without taking a full course-load. So good. I feel very blessed that it has worked out for me to do the university thing successfully without stressing myself out beyond what I could handle (although there have been times where I was stressed to the max and I’m sure those times will come again). I look forward to (hopefully) having another successful year!

I want this next school year to go really well. I want to have fun and enjoy it but also work hard and be successful academically and on student council. I also hope that my rooming situation goes smoothly and that my room and floor is a fun but productive and peaceful place to be. Oh man talking about this is getting me excited about it! I want to put all this stuff in God’s hands and have Him take the lead on it.

We were at this crazy Italian restaurant in Windsor tonight and the soup of the day was cream of potato. It was full of dill and smelled like Baba’s house! Also, I told the story of Tyler’s purple pants at The Dark Knight and Nonie was laughing so hard that the waiter asked her what was going on and she said, “Have you seen The Dark Knight? Well, it’s really not that funny,” and then burst out laughing again. Oh, good times.

At work there was a BBQ today and I sat with all the pregnant women from my unit and they are all quite funny. One of the women, Darcey, was telling a story that she swore during. She immediately turned to me and was like, oh dear I am so sorry I really shouldn’t say those words in front of you! And I laughed. I love that the women I work with are always concerned about offending me, especially because I have never commented on their language at all. She made me happy.

ALSO: Our waiter tonight was very funny. An Irish boy working at an Italian restaurant telling us things that made him seem incredibly nerdy, like his favorite werewolf movie and how he buys graphic novels and how The Dark Knight shouldn’t be named what it is because it doesn’t ring true to the graphic novel. Hoo boy, he was nerdy but open with us and I appreciate him for it.

day twenty-four.

2008-07-25T00:45:00.000-05:00

You know the world can see us in a way that’s different than who we are, creating space between us ‘til we’re separate hearts. But your faith gives me strength, strength to believe – we’re breaking free.

- Zach Efron & Vanessa Hudgens, Breaking Free (High School Musical Soundtrack)

I am grateful for working at home – I love it I love it I love it!

I am also so grateful for my house. I love it, I don’t want to move out. :(

I want to stop feeling so freaking lazy and actually get up off my butt once in a while! I feel like I am wasting away, lying around all evening but I also feel too flipping tired to move or care. So some energy and motivation would be great.

Kristin called me tonight and it was really, really exciting! I was so happy! We talked for an hour and a half and it was so nice to just rant and laugh and talk to my sister and friend. Oh man oh man.

I love Kelly. Kelly! She is so funny and I like that even though she has friends and a life, she takes time out of her schedule to hang out with a boring old lady like myself. She always makes me laugh, and I love that I can make her squirt things out of her nose. She’s awkward in this fun way, and she is absolutely beautiful. And trendy. And she loves Disney Channel movies and is more obsessed with Facebook than I am – is it possible? I love how she is incapable of putting on mascara without stabbing herself in the eye. She is just a great girl, I have so much fun when she’s around. She is lovely and I can’t wait until we start our band .chemical.banana.pants. It will rock.

day twenty-three.

2008-07-24T00:27:00.000-05:00

If you just realize what I just realized that we'd be perfect for each other and we'll never find another. Just realize what I just realized…

- Colbie Caillat, Realize (Coco)

I am grateful for being outside after spending the whole day inside. I am grateful for this nice weather!

I want people at work to stop putting me in the middle of their arguments and talk to each other about stuff instead of me. I wish that people would talk to the person they have an issue with instead of spreading it all around the office and taking their anger out on someone else.

Moment of pure joy…when Terrell said he would bike home from volleyball and I could drive the car. I was SO COLD and so driving back was excellent. Also, I made it there by myself without even thinking about it or getting lost. Yeah!

Thinking back to last summer, going out for supper with Ms. Nashly Bali. So good. I love that girl. Just an honest, pure heart for God and genuine concern for others. She is so silly too. I miss not seeing her this summer, I saw her alot last summer! I just always feel listened to and cared for when she’s around. I miss having someone to pray with, she and I always prayed together about everything. I miss her.

day twenty-two.

2008-07-23T01:57:00.000-05:00

You can tell me that there's nobody else (but I feel it)

You can tell me that you're home by yourself (but I see it)

You can look into my eyes and pretend all you want

But I know, I know

Your love is just a lie

It's nothing but a lie

-Simple Plan, Your Love is a Lie (Simple Plan)

Stupid Simple Plan. That was the last song I heard on the radio at work today and now it’s stuck in my head. Oy.

I love that Terrell and I can talk about anything, that I can tell him anything and instead of it scaring him away, it just brings us closer together. I am so grateful for that, that we are just continuing to grow together as time passes. Oh man I love that. I am just so thankful for someone who accepts me for who I am, who sees all my crap and loves me for it.

I want God to figure out my future because I don’t want to.

…happiness is talking about spending the rest of your lives together with the one you love…

Today I thought about Pat Tanchak telling Terrell the first time they met, “see you at the wedding” as we left. And Nonie was there, and it was awkward. Oh, Pat. She is lovely and loves to make things awkward. I appreciate that.

wow.

2008-07-22T02:59:00.000-05:00

listened to this song this morning. these words just nailed me. wow! how blessed are we that we never have to fear the darkness because God is stronger than it all!

(A Mighty Fortress is Our God - verse 3)

And though this world, with devils filled,

Should threaten to undo us,

We will not fear, for God hath willed

His truth to triumph through us.

The Prince of Darkness grim, we tremble not for him;

His rage we can endure, for lo, his doom is sure;

One little word shall fell him.

day twenty-one.

2008-07-22T01:00:00.000-05:00

The mention of God makes me strange, the battle of words, and the wars we wage…sometimes I feel, my blood runs cold, and the conscious stain, won’t wash away. Tell me what are we waiting for?

- Crash Parallel, World We Know (Album Unknown)

I don’t really know what I’m grateful for today. Not that I’m being all emo and depressed but nothing is really jumping out at me. I guess that’s why I do this everyday, to find these little things in each day. Hmm...I guess I am grateful for prayer, that I love a God who wants to TALK to me, and LISTEN to me, even when I feel like I have nothing important or eloquent to say. I am so thankful to have people I my life who say, “I’ll pray for you” because I know some people feel like no ones cares enough to do that for them and I know how cared about that makes me feel to have someone pray for me.

I don’t know what I want either. Its weird, maybe I’m just having a weird day. I guess I’ve been thinking about the dark place I was in second semester at school, and I never want to go there again. I want to feel strong enough to fight it and never go there again. I hated that. Depression is a scary thing…sometimes I see little glimpses of it trying to rear its ugly head again and that frightens me. Like this past 3 days I have been fine and all but I feel an underlying feeling of anger at nothing and no one in particular. And that’s how it started last time – angry at nothing and sad at nothing and then one big pit of angry sadness all the time. I have been praying about it, and God is good. Don’t worry about me, I didn’t write this so everyone would be like, “aah! Are you okay?” Ha ha, it’s probably just PMS. Like actually.

Tonight at baseball when someone on Terrell’s team got a grand slam and we actually won!! It was really exciting and everyone was cheering like crazy. And then one of the girls watching was reminiscing about the school we were at, as it was her elementary school. She said fondly, “Oh, Gore Hill.” And everyone thought she said to the first base ump, “Oh, go to hell.” Pretty funny. I laughed about that for a while.

Hendrik von Lichtenstien wrote me a letter recently and it made me oh so happy. It was so good to hear from him. He always seems positive no matter what – even when stuff is kinda crappy he still looks for the positives and that’s sweet. I miss him, as if he and I are swapping Manitoba for Ontario and vice versa on the same day! That is sad. I can’t believe I won’t see him until Christmas, it’s a little ridic. When I do see him he is receiving a very large hug. I love that Henk goes golfing with my dad, I love that he will play scrabble with my parents even if I’m not home. I am so glad the military didn’t take away his clumsiness. Its bad enough they took Henk away and turned him into a man so his brother had to become Henk, because a Henk-free world is a sad place.

day twenty.

2008-07-21T00:34:00.000-05:00

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing, Roman Cavalry choirs are singing. Be my mirror, my sword, and shield, my missionaries in a foreign field. For some reason I can't explain I know Saint Peter will call my name. Never an honest word, but that was when I ruled the world.

- Coldplay, Viva la Vida (Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends)

I am so grateful for normalcy, for normalness, for being comfortable. Today after the young adults BBQ we were all doing different things, Terrell was downstairs on the computer, Bruce was watching TV, Nonie was outside reading on the deck, I was sitting in the front room reading/napping. It just felt so normal. I like that when I’m at their house it doesn’t feel like I have to be hanging out with someone at all times or doing everything they do. I mean we do hang out together often, but I am grateful that’s its not weird or awkward when we don’t.

I want to sleep until the END of TIME. I cannot seem to get untired. It’s very weird. I had a nap this afternoon, I slept in this morning, I am going to bed early. I just feel pooped 24/7 it seems, so I basically just want to sleep. I feel like I’ve slept the weekend away already and could continue to sleep through the week. Ha ha.

Sitting on Terrell’s deck helping him play a Lord of The Rings board game by himself. He tried to play by himself but couldn’t because he had to read cards and answer questions but the answers were bolded. So I just read the questions for him, fumbling through pronunciation of names like Eorn and I don’t even know what else and learning things that no one should possibly know about LOTR. But it was fun. I was very happy. But hot: HOTTEST DAY EVER.

Every time I watch a Corner Gas episode I think about my brother. I can’t help it; Brent reminds me so much of Jordan it’s ridic! It’s because he’s kind of like a big child, quite unobservant and his humor is just so similar to him that I laugh. The faces he pulls are the same too. I love how Jordan cranks his head in the most unnatural way while telling stories, how he is so full or random facts it’s unbelievable. I love how he is probably the least athletic person in the family but probably the most flexible (how does he twist himself into the pretzels he sits in?). He is my favorite person to watch a Bryce Family Classic movie with, for three reasons. 1) He makes a massive bowl of popcorn with the perfect amount of (lots of) butter. 2) He has all funny scenes memorized. And 3) he laughs the hardest out of us all, and how can I not laugh when he’s on the floor biting a pillow because he can’t handle it?

day nineteen.

2008-07-20T01:51:00.000-05:00

Girl, where’d you get that body from?

I got it from my mama, I got it from my mama.

- will.i.am, I Got It from My Mama (Songs About Girls)

(This is because I was asked where I got my bread recipe from, and I responded, I got from my mama. Then there was no escaping this stupid song.)

After a really disturbing dream last night, it was so lovely to wake up and realize that none of it was real. Stupid book/The Dark Knight. It was also nice to just chill and have a super relaxing day at the Wiebes, reading and baking and fighting off my stupid summer cold.

I can’t think of anything I want right now. Other than more Cold FX. And for these good hair days to continue! Like 2 in a row, what is that? Even after sleeping/napping on it, it still looks good. Crazy.

Reading through all Terrell’s quotes from this past school year and dying laughing. Talking to Terrell about funny things that have happened to us/around us, retelling good stories like “making l-pancakes” and “it IS a man!” Just snuggling and talking and being happy.

I miss Michael Blatz. He is the only person who ever says, “I love it when you speak” and runs in to hug me from another room because he can hear me being ridiculous and thinks I’m funny. I miss living next door to him (next year again, baby!) and having random dance parties. I miss borrowing his cardigans and him asking me “are you naked?” whenever I am in the bathroom getting ready and he wants to talk to me. Watching Summerland and getting angry at the horrible plot and acting, but continuing to watch it all the same. He makes me laugh so much, and I always have so much fun with him. I just love that kid, and I am very excited to be reunited with him come fall.

day eighteen.

2008-07-19T04:08:00.000-05:00

She never compromises; loves babies and surprises. Wears high heels when she exercises, ain’t it beautiful.
- Train, Meet Virginia (My Private Nation)

I am very grateful that this work week is done and now I get to have a weekend. I am exhausted!

I want to have faith in the human race, but sometimes I just can’t. In my book today was a way too detailed account of a disgusting act that I realize is very real and happens too regularly in society, which is why it upset me so much. For one thing, I am not ignorant and I realize that children are abused all over the world. It upsets me beyond belief; I once wanted to be a social worker specifically to fight that. But I know that my heart couldn’t take it, nor could my stomach. But in my defense, I did NOT need such a vivid account of it, I wish I could go back in time and erase it from my mind and not read that page because I am forever tainted and scarred by it. I ended up not sleeping until very late praying and praying because I was again reminded just how real it is. Just because I’m not thinking about it doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. Just because it’s never happened to me doesn’t mean its not happening to someone right now. I just wish that it never happened – its nights like tonight that make me realize how disgusting and fallen the human race is, that some of us are reduced to committing that act…it frightens me how angry it makes me, how injustice makes me feel violent. After that page I could not wait for that character to die what I hoped would be a horrific and painful death. He died in his sleep.

The best part of my day was laughing until I was crying and flailing and unable to stand or think or stop in the kitchen with Nonie reading a clipping Baba sent me in her last letter. I haven’t laughed like that in years. It was a clipping from Strath’s paper the year I was born. It was titled “Apology” and read something like, “The Bryce baby’s name in the last paper should have read JANNA and not MANNA, as was printed. Our sincerest apologies.” Oh man, that struck me as hilarious and she and I went like rag dolls draped over our chairs, unable to do anything but laugh. I was bawling, tears flowing, it was too hilarious. Now Nonie calls me Manna and I just tell her I really was heaven sent.

Karen, my dear Karen. She is a lovely Italian lady I work with who drives me home when I need a ride. She is also my confident and saving grace at work. A lovely Christian woman with a sincere heart for God, it has been amazing to have someone to connect with. She drove me home today and we talked for like 20 minutes afterwards. It was so great, she is so much fun and I don’t know if she realizes just how much I appreciate her. She looks like a young Mrs. Basso and she calls me ‘girl’ and I bet you she’d yell at you and tell you my widow’s peak is beautiful if she had the chance. Ha ha!

day seventeen.

2008-07-18T01:19:00.000-05:00

Why don’t we end this lie? I can’t pretend this time. I need a friend to find my broken mind before it falls to pieces. Misery won’t get the best of me because I’m calling, yes I’m calling on your bluff. Throw down the cards I’ve had enough.

- Billy Talent, This Suffering (II)

I am so grateful for my job last summer. Watching the lawn people mow the grass today made me miss Betty (my New Holland front blade mower) SO VERY much! I miss the instant gratification of cutting grass, being proud of my accomplishments, beautifying the town. I miss getting lost in my thoughts, just mowing and thinking and praying and singing and getting paid for it. What a great job. I am so glad I had that last summer.

I want to work from home EVERY DAY. It was awesome. It was so great, putting little to no effort into my appearance, sitting in a room with WINDOWS and all natural light, playing any music I want as loud as I want, singing along, not listening to gossip or complaining, not internet to distract me, just me and tons or productivity. It was the best. I feel so rejuvenated. I am defs going to see if I can do this again next week. Plus: I loved having Terrell over for lunch! That was so nice. I think he enjoyed eating more than a sandwich as well.

Tonight Nonie was taking pictures of me to practice with her flash and lets just say if I had a dollar for every time she said, “I’m just going to take one more” I would have enough coffee money for the rest of the…week. Yeah I would say summer but that’s such an over exaggeration, considering how much coffee I consume on a weekly basis.

Thinking about last summer makes me think about my Baba. She fed me every lunch hour, and I miss our little chats. There was a good three summers in a row where I felt like I lived at Baba’s house because I worked in SL and was eating there/being fed by her daily. That was great. How I didn’t weigh a zillion pounds afterwards I’m not sure. I miss her, I miss her talking in third person, I miss her food, her garden, her obsession with birds. I miss her clip on earrings and aprons. No take everything I just said I miss and put the word love there instead. I love getting her letters. I hope she’s doing alright.

day sixteen.

2008-07-17T00:32:00.000-05:00

I’m breaking dishes up in here all night (uh-huh)
I ain’t gon’ stop until I see police lights
Imma fight a man tonight, Imma fight a man tonight
Imma fight a man, a man, a man.

- Rihanna, Breakin Dishes (Good Girl Gone Bad)

I am grateful for my boyfriend, who always knows what to say, who sticks up for me and tells me exactly what I need to hear at that moment. I am always so grateful for his prayers and for his support. He wants me to have dreams and to follow them, no matter what. I love that. I need that.

I want to know what the crap God wants me to do. I want to know why I am suddenly second guessing myself. I want to pretend that it didn’t upset me, but it did and now I don’t know what to do or say about it. I want to cry.

Nonie spoon feeding me yogurt during SYTYCD and getting it all over my face because she was so into the show that she was shoving the spoon into my face sideways with way too big of a scoop.

Nargus. I love you my dear. Thanks for forgetting your $200 phone bill and calling me when I needed to talk to a friend. I know we are both changing and our lives are both changing and perhaps our paths separate us at times but I really really hope that our paths keep crossing and eventually we will come back to each other as even better people and friends than we ever were before. You are very special to me and I only hope you get the best in life at all times. Thanks for being awesome, I miss you! Can’t wait for our pizza date!

day fifteen.

2008-07-16T01:13:00.000-05:00

Song lyric:

This innocence is brilliant; I hope that it will stay. This moment is perfect, please don’t go away. I need you now. And I’ll hold on to it, don’t you let it pass you by.

- Avril Lavigne, Innocence (The Best Damn Thing)

Grateful for:

I love having relaxing nights! So good to just chill and be happy and rev up for the next day.

I want:

I want a new watch! Its weird not having one, I haven’t worn one in weeks. My rainbow one is about one wear away from tearing, which is so sad! I want a watch just like my old one. If anyone goes to Ardene and sees a rubbery blue rainbow watch that says rainbow all over it and says clearly, KID on the front (I guess it’s a kid’s watch? Lol) then please buy it for me! I will pay you back!

Moment of pure joy:

Cuddled on Terrell’s bed showing him how to use Facebook, and then setting him up with an account. I don’t know why we were both so happy after, but we were both mildly overcome with happiness after and it was most excellent.

I love:

Betty in the Café. Such a sweet girl! She is so cute, and I love how she always talks to me when she sees me. She does a great job in the Café as well. Every time I talk to her I remember why I am doing my job, and getting a little more inspired to do it well.

day fourteen.

2008-07-15T01:11:00.000-05:00

Silly songs with Larry:

When you are gone will I lose control? You are the only road I know, you show me where to go. Who will drive my soul?

- Lights, Drive My Soul (Lights EP)

For the love that He shares; cause He listens to my prayers, that’s why I give thanks everyday:

I am really happy to be here for stuff. Like I mean last summer Terrell always e-mailed me or talked to me on the phone about Monday night baseball, Wednesday night volleyball, his campfires with friends, the Mennonite Sale, and now I am here for all that stuff! Its amazing to me how normal it has become for me to be here – I see the same people at baseball every week, they expect me to be there. I’ve met so many people I never would have, its just really cool to here for stuff, be a part of Terrell’s home life.

If you want a big hat, we got that (oh, Madame Blueberry):

I only really want two things today.

1. a coffee.

2. a nap.

Can’t find a Veggie Tales lyric for joy or happy. Weird:

Watching baseball today made me happy. Had a funny moment or two with Adolph’s girlfriend, it was fun. And I talked to someone for a long time about CMU and felt all knowledgeable. It was fun times.

I love my lips:

I thought about my friend Janice a lot today. I remember the time she threw me a note across the room on Outtatown and told me she had to go number 2, but didn’t want to go in the bubble gum smelling porta potties at the Farm. Ha ha, we had so many great conversations on the bathroom floor in our cabin at Kawkawa at like 3 am, and bowel movements were only the tip of the iceberg. I love being at that place with friends, where they are comfortable talking about poop with you. Now that’s intimacy. I miss Janice, I wonder what she’s up to now?

day thirteen.

2008-07-14T01:51:00.000-05:00

La-la-lyrics:

Woah, the Solid Rock, on Christ the Solid Rock I stand. Woah, the Solid Rock, all other ground is sinking sand.

- 4 Him, The Solid Rock (Hymns: A Place of Worship)

Th-th-thankful:

I am so happy I grew up in a small town. Today we went to Alecia’s house for lunch and she lives in Hawkesville, a town of 250. I think its more like a suburb of people who don’t want to live in Waterloo but still stay very close to the city. Being there, walking around down the middle of the street, looking out over fields and a stream, so much green, the smell of manure in the air, the openness of the blue sky; it all reminded me so much of home. Other than the very nice houses and obvious wealth in Hawkesville, it reminded me a lot of Strath, being able to look out your window and be able to see your grandma’s house. I wouldn’t change my upbringing for anything, I was so spoiled to be so close to both grandparents and be in such a safe environment. At Alecia’s we were also talking about how many times we’ve moved, and compared to Terrell’s 8 (?) times I am very glad to say never at this point. Wow, what a blessing.

Wa-wa-want:

Well I know one thing, I want more talks like I had last night with Alecia, that was amazing. I want to raise my kids in a small town. I want to see Strathclair right now, I’m sure the fields are periwinkle and gold and beautiful right now, like a sparkling lake and a winding yellow brick road. I want to spend the rest of my life on the open road with Terrell, singing along to the Hairspray and Moulin Rouge soundtracks with the wind slowly tying my hair in knots. I want to go back in time and do this weekend again because that’s how much I enjoyed it.

Ju-ju-joy:

Today at Alecia’s church the VBS kids sang a song from their week, it was really good music and they had cute actions. There was this one woman watching the VBS slideshow who sang along to every word of the song and did the actions by herself in her pew. Later on, she stood up alone in the middle of the congregation in the middle of a chorus that everyone stayed seated for. I wanted to stand up, but I didn’t. But she did, she didn’t care what anyone thought or that nobody stood up with her. I loved that; I loved her passion, so honest and joyful. I just really loved Alecia’s church – it is the first church I have been to in a long time that was truly ALIVE. These people aren’t just plodding along; they are feeling it, living it, bursting with life at all ages. It was so refreshing to see.

Ello, ello, ello, L-O-V-E (ello, ello, ello):

I love Alecia!! Like seriously, GOOD JOB RYAN, you picked a great woman, you did! She is lovely. She is very genuine, sincere, and easy to talk to. It was amazing to talk to someone my age, also in a relationship, also in school, also a Christian struggling along, who lives in a small town, who has never moved, who is overly emotional, who is dating a boy the same as mine. Oh my goodness do we understand each other on that respect! We talked for hours last night! And if we weren’t so exhausted, and it wasn’t 3 am, we probably could’ve continued. I just feel like we have known each other for a very long time, even though we have only hung out like 4 times. She is just a wonderful person and I can’t say enough about how great it was to connect with a female my age again. I am sad we don’t see each other more often.

day twelve.

2008-07-13T01:59:00.000-05:00

1. I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me speaking words of wisdom – let it be.

- Carol Woods, Let It Be (Across the Universe Soundtrack)

2. I am grateful for friends! I feel like these are people who bring out the best in each other and I feel like when we’re together we bring out the best in one another. Its so nice to talk to people without gossiping, with people who also love God and are trying hard to figure out what that means. I don’t know, its just really refreshing to make new friends with new people who are really GOOD people, and not in an annoying or unrealistic way.

3. I want this weekend to not end, I am rather liking it. I also have been thinking about friendships since I got to Leamington this summer. I don’t know, I really think God wants me to shape up in the friendship department. I mean I think that in some of my relationships we really bring out the bad parts of each other more than good. I also really disagree with a lot of aspects of my friends’ lifestyles. It doesn’t mean I dislike them or think I’m better than them, but I disagree with it and so I don’t want to be involved in that. And in some cases it takes up a lot of their time, whether it’s gossiping or moping or drinking, I don’t want to be involved really. So it makes it difficult to spend time with them, because I don’t want to offend them but I don’t want to be around that either. Being here and meeting some of the people I met makes me see what friendships can be like. I don’t want people to think I dislike them or anything, but I really am having my eyes opened to what it could be like to have a meaningful adult friendship with someone. So I guess I want direction as to where to go from here.

4. So many happy moments…playing bingo with old people, running through the pouring rain to the farmer’s market and getting absolutely soaked, watching Star Wars, playing Mario Kart with Terrell on a team, SEEING ALYSHA WOOLNER, talking way too late into the night with Alecia.

5. I love Alysha Woolner!! She is the most hilariously awkward person ever. She is so gorgeous, ALL THE TIME and is so funny and amazing and fun to be with. She flirts with me, asks weird questions, and makes passes at my boyfriend when he’s not paying attention. To top it all off, she tried to violate me in the most horrific way which made us all laugh until we cried. Oh Alysha, I miss you when we are apart. And I love you.

day eleven.

2008-07-12T01:24:00.000-05:00

Soooooooooooong:

I’m in love with a girl who knows me better, fell for the woman just when I met her. Took my sweet time when I was bitter, someone understands.

-Gavin DeGraw, In Love with a Girl (Gavin DeGraw)

Graaaaaaaaaaaateful:

For safety on the road on the way to Windsor, and for being able to find Ryan’s house so easily! For fun with friends.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaant:

I really want to have fun this weekend and just rest and chill and enjoy being away from work and home. I also want to see Alysha Woolner tomorrow!! I wish she would call me!

Joooooooooooooooy:

On the way to Waterloo today Terrell was like, “oh man, I really want to finish my book! I’m at the climax and only have like 30 pages left.” I was like, “What book is it? I can read it if you want.” And so I read him about 15 pages of Star Wars Episode III: Return of the Sith. It was fun! I got to stumble through some names and really wished I could Yoda’s voice. My favorite was the dramatic dialogue between Anakin and Padme on Mustafar. “I don’t even know who you are anymore!”

Also, I gave my boss a final copy of my first module and she came in singing “I’m so happy I could jump for joy” and hugged me. That was sweet.

Petting a sweet kitty who had the cutest squeak-pur I have ever heard.

Loooooooooooooove:

Ryan Petryschuk is a funny kid. Today on the way to Rogers to rent Jumper (a pretty awful movie, I really thought it was poor), Terrell and Alecia almost held hands by accident and so Ryan grabbed my hand so we formed a circle and started skipping. He then continued to skip for most of the way to Rogers. It was so funny! He reminds me so much of Terrell its crazy. He has a Baba, a great family, is so nice and incredibly dedicated to his education. I admire that. He’s a lot of fun and thinks I’m funny! So I’m sold, right?

Cambodia?

2008-07-11T09:30:00.000-05:00

I had this crazy dream last night…I honestly don’t know what is up with my dreams lately. Anyways, something really bad had just happened in Cambodia (yes, now I’m dreaming about Cambodia, oy). There was this guy, I think he was a new face in politics, a young guy, representing change for the country. At his wedding, these terrorists showed up and killed his entire family, his bride, and the whole wedding party. I saw it happen, it was horrible because he looked away for one second and he looked back just in time to see his bride beheaded. It was horrific.

They left him alive, and I think he came to Canada/the US for refuge. I don’t know, something like that. Then this horrific thing happened in Cambodia. The terrorists set off a bomb that was of ridiculous magnitudes and it basically blew up the entire country, killing 22.5 million people. I just looked it up and Cambodia has a population of 13 mil, so my dream was getting a little carried away.

Anyways! So I think everyone blamed this leader who fled the country, and they were looking for him, and for some reason Canada was in complete disarray. People were so scared and it was utter chaos. Like we were torn apart, and it was a scary place to be. Terrell and I were searching for people we knew, and we avoided eye contact with almost everyone we met because it was dangerous. We were trying to get to the university (I don’t know which one, it was not CMU) and everywhere people were fighting and beating the crap out of each other over race and culture. The streets were a mess, it looked like a slum in a third world country and was probably less safe.

After a hair-raising trip we made it, but there was no one there. There were papers and books everywhere, torn to pieces, dirty, broken windows. I was so scared but Terrell seemed relatively unphased. So we were wandering around the darkened university looking for people but hoping not to run into anyone at the same time. Very weird and scary and depressing. I woke up feeling pretty depressed about the whole thing and only wish the very best on the people of Cambodia.

day ten.

2008-07-11T00:56:00.000-05:00

LYRIC.

But I don't care what they say I'm in love with you. They try to pull me away but they don't know the truth. My heart is crippled by the vein that I keep on closing…you cut me open and I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love.

- Leona Lewis, Bleeding Love (Spirit)

GRATEFUL.

I am so thankful for time alone. I love being with Terrell, I love being with the Wiebes, but it seems like every Thursday I love just coming home and being alone for an hour. It actually takes a lot from me to make myself walk over to their house for supper just because it’s so nice to get that time, it helps me refuel myself.

WANTS.

I wish I was better at managing my time. I feel like I am a very successful time waster. It always seems like I can look at the clock at any point, or the calendar for that matter and be like, what the crap? What have I done in this time? I feel so vamped up to do things but then I am too lazy to do them. For example, I do waste too much time on Facebook, and I know that. But I don’t feel like deleting my account would fix it – I would just fill that time reading some celeb gossip site or something. So I went through my friend list and deleted people whose profiles I never look at, who I am not really friends in real life with in an attempt to keep me from mindlessly looking at pictures of people I don’t care about. I deleted 70 friends. It felt good.

JOY.

Cutting Terrell’s hair in my kitchen listening to him tell me all about his day. I could just listen to him talk for hours, what he thinks and how he feels fascinates me. It was especially great to hear him talk about how happy he is that I have so many interests, dreams and ambitions, and encourage me to pursue them. It means so much to me.

LOVES.

Daddy dearest is the very best. I actually can’t imagine having better parents. My dad is such a loving person, the epitome of hilarious. He’s such a cute old man, and he gets offended when I call him old. He lets me dye his hair blond and just laughs when it turns out pink. He has shown me what a man of God should be like, a spiritual leader and his faith has a quiet humility that I really admire. He makes fun of how I talk; while he’s watching sports there is no possible way to reach him. He can point his nose (it looks like a house). His obliviousness sometimes KILLS me, as does his falsetto while singing along to oldies. He introduced me to the good music, like Buddy Holly and The Righteous Brothers. He is a great son, husband, father, brother, friend. He LOVES my mom, I think its so beautiful that even after 28 years, she’s still the same to him and he adores her the way he did then. Makes me hopeful. I’ve always wanted to marry a man just like my daddy, he’s just the best there ever was.

I'm sorry, but...

2008-07-10T17:30:00.000-05:00

Can I just stop for a moment and say how OUTRAGED I am that CTV bought the Hockey Night in Canada theme??

I AM OUTRAGED!!!

The more I think about it the more I fume! Today Danaka has been listening to some of the options for the new theme, and it’s all CRAP. Not that they all suck, but this whole thing is crap. As IF we are looking for a new theme, I honestly couldn’t hear any of them being played with the logo spinning in the background.

That theme was EPIC. It was Canada’s second national anthem.

And just like that, CTV steals it away.

WHY CTV? Why???

Why are you taking away a piece of Canada’s history, a part of our identity and pride?

I just needed to get that out. It really bothers me.

…I mean who didn’t play that song in band?

Sigh.

day nine.

2008-07-10T00:09:00.000-05:00

Lyricalness:

I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest, tried to be everything that you ever wanted. I tried to be smarter, tried to be stronger, tried to be everything but you.

- Hawk Nelson, Everything You Ever Wanted (Smile, It’s the End of the World)

Gratefulness:

I was really, really happy to have chicken for supper. I was very happy that it was a nice enough day that we could eat outside. I am really grateful for my family, that I didn’t grow up in some hideous foster home or group home. Reading White Oleander has made me very grateful for the life I’ve had, especially because I now see just how quickly everything you ever knew can deteriorate. It also made me realize just how selfless my parents are – every adult in this book is so selfish I can’t even stand it! Their selfish desires ruined this girl’s life, and she’s tainted by her environment, her role models. Ugh. I am just so very grateful for my amazing parents and family.

Wantingness:

I really just wanted to chillax and watch a great episode of SYTYCD, and I did! It was SO AMAZING, the best dance of the night was my favorite couple, Joshua and Katee, dancing a “Bollywood” number. Baliwood? Anyways, I didn’t know that was a genre of dance, I always thought it was the Indian version of Hollywood. Anyhoo, it was just brilliant and that was all I wanted. To watch and be happy.

Happiness:

I think the happiest moment of my day was actually the Bollywood dance (I’ve decided on that spelling). It was so celebrational, so full of life. It reminded me of so many styles blended into one (hip hop, African, jazz, contemporary, even Ukranian!) I just loved it and it was such an exciting moment and cultural, I loved it.

Loveliness:

Ben Winter makes me laugh! I do enjoy that kid. I tease him, he teases me, its all good! He is so easy going and chill, its great. Today he showed up at volleyball in blue shorts and a (different shade of) blue shirt. He then proceeded to sit in a blue lawn chair, and later he pulled out a BLUE NALGENE. It was blue overload. I told him I was going to tell his girlfriend that he’s so blue when she’s away. Ha ha, I’m funny. I have never had an exchange with Ben that hasn’t been anything but pleasant, and I like that. He’s a great kid.

day eight.

2008-07-09T00:14:00.000-05:00

Lyric running from my brain to my mouth out into the open air:

Then I see you standing there, wanting more from me and all I can do is try. Then I see you standing there, I’m all I’ll ever be, and all I can do is try.

- Nelly Furtado, Try (Loose)

Ps – Nelly Furtado went BLONDE. Everyone be appalled with me. She is now the definition of sell out and she looks like every other blonde celebrity out there.

I am grateful for:

The rain. I love rain. Sometimes I want it to rain every day because I love just curling up on the couch all night with a book, staying inside to snuggle and just watch it pour. Sometimes I want to run outside in it.

I want:

To be more motivated! I feel like the most unmotivated person on earth today. I was happy it rained because I was planning on going for a walk and the rain deterred me from my physical activity. I wish I was more motivated in all areas of my life right now – with putting effort into God, into my job, into staying in contact with people, into my health and fitness. Right now I am only motivated to finish this book because I have two more fat ones waiting for me to read!

Moment of pure joy:

I decided on a whim to check out flights to Calgary for Al’s wedding, and BOOM! A sweet seat sale!! It was so exciting! I booked it and now I am really really excited to go! Also talking to Terrell last night about life in general was just grand. I could talk to him forever.

Let me tell you about someone I love:

Uncle Guy (!) added me on Facebook tonight. Like what the heck? Crazy man! Turns out the wiener has had it since April but just added me now! What’s up with that? I can just hear his nasal tone, JAYNA’S on Facebook too! Ha ha. He is a funny man. So very generous with his time and efforts, very helpful, a hard worker, and a hater of all things resembling kisses. His e-mails, typically sent in all small case, sure make me laugh too. Very simple and to the point. He’s not a very fancy man. Ha ha, fancy. What a funny word.

day seven.

2008-07-08T01:44:00.000-05:00

Lyric that has seriously been harassing me today (and I am not proud of this):

You got me trippin (oh), stumbling (oh), flippin (oh), fumbling (oh)
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love (in love)
You got me slippin (oh), tumbling (oh), sinking (oh), fumbling (oh)
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love (in love)
-Fergie, Clumsy (The Dutchess)

Stupid Fergie. I can’t wait until she sings in Sarnia and leaves forever, they have played this song on the radio WAY too much! Ps, Fergie can’t spell, I am aware that ‘Dutchess’ is incorrect spelling wise but that’s her brilliance, not mine.

What I am grateful for today:

My job! I have had such a good, quick, productive and successful day. Its been sweet and its days like today that make me feel like I’m actually doing a good job here. I get to work in an office and do something that actually feels like it matters, and that’s pretty cool. I also feel really good today AND I am having a hot day. Settle down, me.

What I want:

I really need to stop being such a worrier. Its stupid and doesn’t get me anywhere. I think I could read that scripture every day about not worrying and it still wouldn’t sink in. I mean I read it, and I know it, but like, how do you believe it? How do you apply it to your life? I feel like it’s the same as being told every day that you are beautiful and made in God’s image, which is great to hear and easy to know, but believing it in the head is different than believing it in your heart. It took me 10 years to even start to sometimes believe that – how long will it take with this worrying nonsense? Especially because I spend my worrying time fretting over things that haven’t happened yet, and perhaps may not ever happen. And that, my friends, is just a complete waste of time and effort.

Do not worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God your needs and don’t forget to thank Him for His answers. (Phil. 4:6)

Moment of joy today:

On the way to baseball, I was still reeling from what I had just read in White Oleander (a rather disturbing read, and I’m only on page 86!), and I mentioned to Terrell that I was feeling pretty disturbed. Usually he won’t let me/asks me not to tell him anything that I find disturbing, but he could tell I was feeling pretty squirmy so he broke down, saying, “Ok, ok. Tell me about it.” And I proceeded to tell him the gory details. It wasn’t nearly as scarring as it was to read it in the book, because she writes quite poetically, but I was happy to tell someone anyhow.

Also, I love doing devotions with Terrell, just talking about stuff like that together is really amazing.

Somebody I love:

I was remembering today this incredibly emo day I was having first year, and Scott was too, so we stayed up really late listening to his Ipod singing Kelly Clarkson and High School Musical. It was so fun and exactly what I needed. Scott was there for me so much first year, he was the friend I really needed and he was always there for me. We had this ability to hang out together when we were feeling introverted. Together we laughed, talked, cried, stayed up too late and ate way too much McDonalds. He was such a Godsend and I am so happy to call him a friend.

day six.

2008-07-07T01:00:00.000-05:00

.lyric.

You're the best friend that I ever had. I've been with you such a long time; you're my sunshine and I want you to know that my feelings are true. I really love you. Oh, you're my best friend.

- Queen, You’re My Best Friend (A Night at the Opera)

.i am grateful.

I am so thankful for relaxing days. For a boy who loves me so much its insane, who makes me believe I am beautiful and interesting and worthwhile. As if people fall in love and I am one of those people. What did I do to deserve it? I am so blown away and so grateful to have someone take care of me and love me the way he does. I am just so thankful for love and the opportunity to experience it and even more importantly, give it away.

.what i want.

Sometimes I just want to know everything about my life. I want to know my future, where I’ll be and who will be around me, when I’ll get married and when I’ll have kids. I want to know what struggles I’ll face and what pain my heart will experience, and I want to know that I’ll survive it. I want to know that I will never have to be apart from the people I love. I want to know where I’ll be in 10 years. I want to know where Terrell will be for his practicum; I want to know if I will get my jaw broken next spring. The thing is, as much as I want to know these things, I really don’t. It takes the fun out of life, and most importantly it means not having to trust God with anything because I already know how it all plays out. It’s so stupid, because no matter how faithful God is to me I still struggle to trust Him. I guess what I really want is to get better at that.

.moment of happiness.

Oh man, I think this entire day was pure happiness, one moment after the other. Going to the clinic and getting meds, watching tennis, baking banana loaf and cookies, watching Corner Gas, cleaning the house, cleaning my house, taking stupid pictures, talking about everything, laughing about everything, feeling so comfortable and happy together. Watching Angels in the Outfield and tearing up at the end. This is what the day is like when I spend the whole day with you: one big moment of happy.

.i love you.

Terrell Wiebe. Where do I even begin? You are impossible not to love. I never have as much fun with anyone as I do with you. I love how lame we are together but how our lameness makes us awesome to me. No one understands me or knows me like he does. He listens to me, and what I say matters to him. He puts up with all my crap and loves me more for it. Why? I’m not so sure, but I’m so glad he does. I feel so blessed to have such a strong, intelligent, caring, giving, loving, fun, dedicated and not to mention good looking man of God in my life. He challenges me, he cares for me. He believes in me when I don’t; he is strong for me when I am at my weakest point. He holds me when I need it, he prays for me when I need it, he encourages me when I need it. He takes care of me when I’m sick. The love he shows me reflects the love that God has for me (unconditional, overwhelming). Its like through loving him everything makes more sense to me, and the more I grow to love him the more I grow to love God as well. He makes me so happy and he makes me feel beautiful. He is my safe place, my best friend. I can tell him anything. And no matter where I am, I find comfort in his nearness. In his arms I am home.

day five.

2008-07-06T01:49:00.000-05:00

Sing…sing a song…

Stop and stare, I think I’m moving but I’m going nowhere.

- OneRepublic, Stop and Stare (Dreaming Out Loud)

Stop right now, thank you very much...

I am oh so grateful for sleep and its healing powers. I had such a migraine when I went to bed last night I thought I was going to throw up. I could hardly function, I just fell into bed. But I felt so good this morning when I woke up – ready to eat and actually function and have a day. I am also so grateful for my amazing experience in Africa. All day, with the heat, seeing many Africans today and eating supper at an Ethiopian restaurant has had me under the delusion that I am in Africa again. I had to keep telling myself today, you’re in Canada. It made me miss it there, and holy crap I am so grateful for that experience. I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world and I am excited to hopefully return some day.

I want you to want me…

I want the next week to fly so we can go to Waterloo to see Ryan and Alecia on the weekend! I want my sunburned scalp to not peel. I want to wake up tomorrow feeling even better than I do today. I want my family to have fun and great weekend, and I want to watch Get Smart with them!

You make me so very happy…

Watching the blind runners today at the Canadian Olympic Trials for track and field was so cool. It was an amazing and inspiring thing to watch. There were these Paralympic athletes and they were attached to a guide runner by a bracelet that connected their wrists. They ran simultaneously, stride for stride. And they RAN, like they we just giving it down the track. It was really quite beautiful to watch. I can’t imagine running blind. Imagine the trust that goes into that! I guess in some ways life is like that, running blind with all your might, completely trusting your Guide to direct you and make sure you don’t fall before you cross the finish line. And if you do fall, your guide is there to pick you up and keep running.

I love you I love you I love you I love you…

I love my mommy! There is no one quite like her. It’s actually really hard to put to words what my mom means to me and is to me. I love how much closer we have gotten over the past few years, as I’ve grown up and we have so much more to talk about. I feel like I am at this really great age to learn from her, and I want to learn all I can. I feel like she has so much to teach me about being a woman. I can learn so much from her because she has shown me what it looks like to be an amazing woman of God, wife, mother, colleague, church leader, teacher and friend. I love how we can talk about anything from school to friendships to faith to love to So You Think You Can Dance. She edits all my essays and has patience coming out the wazoo. She never gets mad at me even though I am really horrible with keeping in touch. Plus she lets me make fun of her all the time (“IS it?!”) and is one of the funniest people on the planet. And above all I know she loves me, all the time, no matter what. Her support means the world to me. I miss watching SYTYCD with her. Its really not the same.

day four.

2008-07-05T00:00:00.000-05:00

Sing-a-long:

When I go down, I go down hard, and I take everything I’ve learned and teach myself some disregard. When I go down, it hurts to hit the bottom…

-Relient K, When I Go Down (Mmhmm)

Thanks for:

My coworkers, who care about me enough to drive me to the doctor on my lunch break. Even though I didn’t get to see the doctor I did enjoy them fussing over me and apologizing for using bad language in front of me…lol! It was impossible to get any work done this afternoon, not only because I was exhausted and felt like crap, but because they were stopping in every five minutes to make sure I was alright.

I want:

To feel better!!! To stop having migraines which make me nauseous. To wake up tomorrow feeling 100%.

Happiness is:

Seeing Terrell standing in the lobby at work when he came to pick me. I was so ready to go home by that point and seeing him there made me so happy. That and crying in exhausted frustration while he just held me and let me cry…that was just what I needed, to release and to be loved and feel so cared for in that moment was amazing.

I love:

Kristin called me today to see how I was doing. Ah, I miss her! She’s like a sister and a friend all in one, and probably the closest girlfriend I have. We share the same sexy man laugh, and we are so cool when we’re together. She is actually the most beautiful person on earth. She is such a strong, graceful, compassionate woman of God who I know is a joy to have as a sister and, I’m sure, as a daughter, wife and friend too.

day three.

2008-07-04T00:30:00.000-05:00

Lyric:

Without love, life is like a beat that you can’t follow.

- Elijah Kelly, Without Love (Hairspray Soundtrack)

Grateful:

I truly have the best boyfriend ever. I sound like a broken record but its true! Feeling sick becomes 10x less bad when he’s around because he takes such good care of me, brings me ginger ale and gets me books from the library. Especially when I’m away from home and sick, its so amazing to have someone realize how hard that is and take such good care of you. He’s like my piece of home here.

Desire:

I am SO SICK of feeling sick!! Being nauseous is actually the worst thing in the world, and I have been nauseous on and off for the last two weeks. Its driving me nuts. My stomach and back hurt too, and I really have no idea what the crap is wrong with me. I hate that! I just want to get sick and get it over with already and then start recovering. Honestly.

Happiness:

Watching Christina Chen videos on youtube with Danaka at the end of the day. The best part was when she started high kicking and we both gasped in shock and then laughed so hard we cried.

Love:

How Bruce lets me watch So You Think You Can Dance every week, even when the Blue Jays are playing (and winning, which is quite rare). And then he ‘reads’ while its on, until he can’t stand the sound of Mary Murphy’s voice anymore and has to leave. Oh I appreciate that. He makes me happy.

day two.

2008-07-03T01:00:00.000-05:00

1. Song o’ the day:

Can anybody out there hear me? 'Cause I can't seem to hear myself. Can anybody out there see me? 'Cause I can't seem to see myself. There's gotta be a heaven somewhere. Can you save me from this hell? Can anybody out there feel me? 'Cause I can't seem to feel myself…

-Justin Timberlake, Losing My Way (FutureSex/Lovesounds)

2. I am grateful for:

I am so very grateful that I get to see my boyfriend every single day. I remember how sucky the distance has been in the past, and this summer I never have to do that. I actually get to see how/that I do fit into his life, get to know his family better, and hang out with and grow to love his friends. Even if we don’t hang out for hours on end each day, it’s still so nice to see him. Oh man I love it!

3. I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want…

I really want the school year coming up to be a success. I was looking at my school stuff today, at when exams and holidays are, and I am excited! I am hoping it all goes without a hitch, I just really want to have an enjoyable last year at CMU. I am excited to see my friends and I just really want to find the perfect balance between school, friends and Terrell next year.

4. This makes me happy:

Getting driven home by Terrell in the pouring rain, with him barefoot, seatbeltless and in his pajamas. Watching amazing lightening and listening to the rain hit the roof of my house. Baking cookies.

5. Can anybody find meee somebody to love?

Nonie makes me LAUGH. She is such a funny person, so kind and so scatterbrained sometimes. She puts up with merciless teasing; she yells at computers with me, she talks to me about hair removal and other girly things. She will punch lamps while dancing to Flo Rida. At the start of every Corner Gas episode she says, “Oh, this one’s funny!” She eats almost as much ice cream as me. She is beautiful, inside and out, and so strong. She gives so much of her self to her family, to serving God, and to her passions. I know she is striving to be the woman, wife, mother and friend that God wants her to be, and in my opinion she is doing a great job! She has been such a friend to me this summer which is exactly what I’ve needed. It is rare that I don’t laugh when I hang out with Nonie. I am very glad she is Terrell’s mom because it’s given me the opportunity to have her as a part of my life.

day one.

2008-07-02T00:00:00.000-05:00

The 40 Day Challenge.

Write everyday for 40 days answering these 5 questions:

1. one song lyric stuck in my head today.

2. what I am grateful for.

3. one thing I really want.

4. what was one moment of pure happiness today.

5. write about one person in my life that I love.

-- I was inspired to do this by my beautiful friend Leanne. I hope that by doing this I will be reminded of the good things in my life every day, and to get a desire to start blogging again. --

1. Song lyric harassing my brain today:

Well I sold my soul to Jesus and since then I’ve had no fun. – Laura Marling, The Captain and the Hourglass (Alas I Cannot Swim)

(It’s horrible, I know. Its just to the catchiest melody ever. Her CD tells me she has had a very bad experience with religion on the whole. I keep trying to remove it from my head by substituting the word ‘more’ for ‘no.’)

2. What I am grateful for:

This most wonderful day off to do something nice for people who are nice to me. I loved having time to bake and do dishes for the Wiebes and felt productive and restful all at once. The sun today has been amazing too.

3. What I wanted today:

I really wanted Terrell to not work late and to hang out with him, just relax and talk and laugh. And we got to do that! Watching Family Feud (they uh…stuff themselves into clothes) and America’s Got Talent while eating mouth-burning chips, giving massages and laughing was an excellent way to spend the evening.

4. Pure happiness:

Sitting on a bench with Terrell on this gorgeous day eating a hamburger and dripping relish on all my extremities (thigh and bicep. What is that, honestly?). When he smiled at me and said, “I’m happy you’re here.”

When after eating the supper I made (and a cinnamon bun I made too), Bruce said, “That was delicious.”

5. Somebody I loooooove:

Is it weird that I really want to say God? I mean He is somebody I love. Today I was reading my prayer journal that I’ve had since Outtatown and write in sporadically. I was reading all the things I wrote last summer, how happy I was and how God just filled me with joy every single day when I really needed it. It was a real interesting read, because I was so darn HONEST every time I wrote, whether I was happy or mad or sad or frustrated, I was so honest with God. Because I think He’s the only one who I can be that honest with, and I LOVE that. There is so much freedom there, knowing I can say anything to God and He loves me the same. I mean I can be honest with Terrell (and I am), but there is something so amazing about pouring your heart out to a God who cares. God is so faithful to me. In the winter I prayed that I would go wherever He called me this summer and be happy there doing whatever I had to do because I knew that was where He wanted me to be. So that’s what I’m doing. And that’s why I love God – He really does grant all the desires of the heart.

the hand that holds the world.

2008-06-09T18:45:00.000-05:00

No greater joy

Is there than this

To know for what

We're meant to live

To hold Your hand

To touch Your face

To find ourselves

In loves embrace

I want to stand before the King

Join in the song that heaven sings

I want to hold the hand that holds the world

I want to know the mystery

Reach out and touch the majesty

I want to hold the hand that holds the world

No greater love

Could be bestowed

That You would name us as your own

Your daughters sing

Your sons rejoice

They gather here before Your throne

You are, You are

The author of creation

We are, the children of your heart

You are, You are,

The light of all the heaven

We rise, to worship all You are

la vie en leamington

2008-06-01T18:40:00.000-05:00

well, here i am, approaching my third week in leamington, land of many tomatoes. in my time here i have seen many friendly faces, a heinz plant, a play, narnia, the town's biggest yard sale, approximately 14 episodes of jeopardy, 1.8 seasons of corner gas, and the bee movie. also, lots of sun, some lightening, beautiful flowers and an abundance of ice cream.
in other news, i have a job, a house, and a wonderful boyfriend who has wonderful parents who have taken such wonderful care of me and made me feel, well, wonderful.
sadly lacking in leamington are anyone under the names jody r. b., owen, m. b., kristin r. b. l., tyler l., jordan p. b., and one brynne k. h. if anyone has any idea of their whereabouts, please send them to leamington immediately.
also, if anyone has a cure to pre-first-day-of-work-nerves, please contact janna here.
over and out.

Life Is a Musical!

2008-05-08T11:40:00.000-05:00

this video just made my day! i would love to do something like this.

the feeling of summer.

2008-05-02T01:50:00.000-05:00

"it feels like summer."
ever heard that?
i hear people say that all the time, if the sun is shining and the birds are chirping
it feels like summer.
i whole heartedly agree that summer is a feeling, not just a season.
but summer is not just sun tans, beaches, and ice cream.
summer is a feeling.
i'm not talking about warm cars, sandy feet, hot sun kind of feeling.
or lazy day, sleeping in, stress-free kind of feelings.
summer is a feeling deep in my stomach, an uneasiness.
a restlessness of my heart.
summer is an ache, a pain, an upset.
summer is a cold, hurting wave across my entire body.
summer feels like someone is constantly squeezing my heart, tighter and tighter
or like a grown man is sitting on my chest, restricting my breathing.
summer is a physical distress to my body.
i felt it instantly when i pulled into my driveway after dropping terrell off
today and it has gripped me since that moment.
i can't believe i forgot what it felt like.
it just feels like something very essential is missing.
it feels cold no matter how warm the sun is.
summer feels like something is constantly wrong, and that is simply because
you're not here.

i look upon your hill

2008-03-23T02:19:00.000-05:00

-seven places-

I look upon Your hill

Your broken body hanging still

Your blood drips down

Your face and brow

You brought me life through death

No greater love than this

Surely He's borne our grief

Carried our sorrow

Though we've gone astray

It's by His stripes and wounds

We were healed

On that glorious day

Oh Lord, You've worn the crown

I've placed upon

Your head

Oh Lord, I've pierced Your hands

Yet Your blood declares my innocence

he died for us - its too amazing to even fathom.

and then he rose.

and now he interecedes for us

and the right hand of God.

we are so blessed!

heath.

2008-01-22T21:10:00.000-06:00

so heath ledger died today.
i know he's a celebrity and all but i am sad.
i cried when i found out.
i am still in shock.
he was so young!
with a baby.
and a future.
such a tragic, needless death.
he was such a big part of my teen years.
like what girl didn't have him on her wall?
or dream of him singing to her?
sadness.
i feel like a piece of my growing up has died.
and this makes me sad.
the worst part it that people are mad that i'm upset.
because thousands of people die everyday.
and this is blown out of proportion.
but he was a real person too.
someone's father.
someone's son.
someone's friend.
and that makes me sad.
i think i'll be in shock for a while...
rest soundly, heath.

surely we can change.

2008-01-06T14:19:00.000-06:00

And the problem is this
We were bought with a kiss
But the cheek still turned
Even when it wasn't hit
And I don't know
What to do with a love like that
And I don't know
How to be a love like that
When all the love in the world
Is right here among us
And hatred too
And so we must choose
What our hands will do
Where there is pain
Let there be grace
Where there is suffering
Bring serenity
For those afraid
Help them be brave
Where there is misery
Bring expectancy
And surely we can change
Surely we can change
Something
And the problem it seems
Is with you and me
Not the Love who came
To repair everything
Where there is pain
Let us bring grace
Where there is suffering
Bring serenity
For those afraid
Let us be brave
Where there is misery
Let us bring them relief
And surely we can change
Surely we can change
The whole world's about to change.
-david crowder band-

merry christmas.

2007-12-25T19:16:00.000-06:00

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning.
Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.
There came a man who was sent from God; his name was John. He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all men might believe. He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light. The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world.
He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God- children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God.
The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

John testifies concerning him. He cries out, saying, "This was he of whom I said, 'He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.' " From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God, but God the One and Only, who is at the Father's side, has made him known.

1 John 1:1-18

glorious impossible.

2007-12-11T12:36:00.000-06:00

its two weeks today until christmas! enjoy this amazing song by the GVB.

its the same version as our Christmas in South Africa DVD.

christmas gala

2007-12-10T19:45:00.000-06:00

so a week ago today was the christmas gala at cmu - everyone dresses up beautifully and we basically eat food, take a ton of pictures and then dance our butts off in the blau. so fun. and i just like seeing all the guys in suits and all the girls who never wear makeup with their hair in ringlets and dresses. its a grand old time, and was 100x better this year without the boring program! here are some pictures of the festivities. :)

terrell and i at the table.

with josh reimer - so glad he's here to stay!

my ladies - i pray with them every wednesday!

i think i am dizzy from justin's vest.

at the dance afterwards, i love how many people we fit into this picture.

i love them all!

i am in love with this picture.

now i have 3 more exams (almost two) and 5 days until i fly to terrell's house. i am so excited! i am sad to miss stuff at home but i know how special it is that terrell and his parents want me there for a special day. i am excited! i just want it to be saturday. 5 more days...

ever with me.

2007-11-27T17:45:00.000-06:00

Oh Lord, the Spirit of love abiding
The voice in the darkness guiding
Hear my prayer.
Be in my head and in my understanding.
Be in my eyes and in my looking.
Be in my mouth and in my speaking.
Be in my heart and always in my thinking.
Lead me Lord.
Lead me in Thy paths of peace.
Make You way plain before my eyes.
For it is only by your guidance
Only by You tender love that I may dwell in safety,
Dwell in safety.
God be in my head and in my understanding.
God be in my eyes and in my looking.
God be in my mouth and in my speaking.
God be in my life and in my breathing.
God be in my heart and in my loving.
God be in my thoughts and in my doing.
God be in my joy and in my laughing.
God be by my side, be my Protector.
God be at my end and with me ever
With me ever with me, ever.

-Gwyneth Walker

it's snowing again.

2007-11-22T02:16:00.000-06:00

i like holding hands through mittens.

the moment.

2007-11-12T02:20:00.000-06:00

i don't want to go to bed.
sleeping will officially end this weekend.
i don't want it to end!
it was too great...
too short...
i am not ready to go back to real life.
i want to go back to brandon.
to the apartment.
to my family.
to snuggling with you on the couch
and watching hockey.
to waffle stix and chocolate fondue.
to laughing too much.
to burgers at midnight.
to the newsboys concert
watching you dance and sing your heart out.
to eating fuzzy peaches on the bus
and talking about christmas.
gah.
living in the moment is hard sometimes.
the library awaits me tomorrow.
deadlines await me tomorrow.
but forget tomorrow.
right now memories call me.
thankfulness in my heart calls me.
praying, then sleeping calls me.
good night.

sorry everyone.

2007-10-27T15:30:00.000-05:00

so i never post anymore.
life is just so busy!!
being an ra, a student, a room mate, a friend, a girlfriend, a daughter, a christian...
it takes up at lot of time.
sometimes i feel like i suck at them all.
sometimes i feel like i only suck at some of them.
but life goes on.
i go on.
we all gone on and press on through.
or we try to anyways.

maybe i shouldn't post when i'm so bogged down with work. lol.
back to the books...

too long!

2007-08-22T21:47:00.000-05:00

ok, so its been way too long since i last posted, i apologise. life just gets crazy! so here is a one-sentence summary of the important things that happened.

1. i saw JOSH GROBAN live in concert!!! it was life-alteringly amazing, i bawled through most of it, GAH i love him.
2. i crashed a car - on the way to ashley's house for her birthday. henk and i lived, the car did not...oops.
3. henk came home! its been good to see him.
4. i led song actions for vbs with jodi on my lunchbreaks all of last week. it was so much fun; exhausting but rewarding.
5. al came to visit with her boyfriend on friday - sarah, rob and i joined them for supper and a movie and it was absolutely lovely to see them all.
6. i saw hairspray again in theatres. be still my heart.
7. i worked saturday and then had a party at my house which was so fun. i love camp fires.
8. sunday was jordan's 24th birthday party, my word my brother is old!
9. on monday at work it stunk like skunk and we found a dying baby one inside the building. john killed it with a shovel, and i cried (i would like to point out that he ended its suffering, it was in real bad shape).
10. yesterday was terrell's 20th birthday! so happy birthday to my guy. :)

and now ashley is here. today i pulled a bee out of my pocket and it was scary. and the mama skunk is in our building. oy! one week until i am in winnipeg, i am so excited but have so much to do! two more days of work and 7 more until i see terrell...sigh. life is happy.

what i know

2007-08-06T02:53:00.000-05:00

1. i really don't like being called "jan" by people who don't know me well. friends, family, they can call me that - they know me. but people who i've just met only call me "jan" because they don't remember my actual name, and that bothers me!! this kid at work called me that and i was like, no.

2. drunk driving is never, ever cool. i don't care if you do it in the country, or give it a catchy name like "booze cruising", it doesn't make the possibility of death and injury cool. its completely idiotic and i really am frustrated by how popular it is in our area. oy.

3. you don't need to go overseas to be a missionary. at work this kid asked me if i was into church. i said, "well i don't know if i'm into church, but i'm into god." he made a comment about being religious and "into all your gods" and i said, "oh no, not 'gods', i believe that there is only one god." and he gathered from that that i was 'less religious' or less of a christian because i only believed in one god, as if by believing in more gave me more faith. so it just goes to show that even in our own communities some people have absolutely no idea about christian spirituality, or even about god, and that there is always a window of opportunity to step in there.

4. my aunt's boyfriend is awesome, a total keeper and the whole family loves him. excellent!

5. its much more fun to meet distant relatives now than it was when i was little because now i'm an adult and actually have things to talk about with them. its even better when they actually feel like they're your family and you feel like a part of theirs.

i love you.

2007-08-02T01:02:00.000-05:00

cutest, best commercial of my life!

good morning baltimore

2007-07-30T23:51:00.000-05:00

well guys, its almost august! can you believe it?
this summer is ridic.
well i am pooped after two fun weekends in a row. last weekend i went to the peg with nash and leanne and it was SO much fun! got home at 2 am on sunday and i definitely worked at 8:30 the next day. good stuff.

this past weekend i helped with some home renovation and painting and then went to brandon with ash to see hairspray with brynne. best movie ever!! it was so much funnier than i expected, and seriously such an empowering film. it covers issues like being different and embracing it, accepting people that are different (whether its race or size or whatever), standing up for whats right, and really chasing after your dreams. so many times in the movie i was applauding just because i was so pumped up and so happy! and the music was great too. basically i want to see it again - right now. and then supper and cheesecake with dan man. and a wedding registry. ha ha! after a failed attempt at mini golf, we went glo bowling where we danced to hollaback girl and listen to your heart. so fun! once again got home too late and then i sang at church. then there was a shower and then off to salt lake with ash, curtis, and michael. it truly was the only was to cool off and dingys made it even more fun! i laughed too much and ate too much brownie and played way too much bubble bobble (original nintendo baby). curtis and i even wrote a song to the irritating music. we managed to tag team it and defeat all 100 levels and the final boss. yup, we're awesome (and by us i mean curtis and michael, because ash and i weren't much help i don't think). but it was so much fun to hang out and laugh too much. GEEEB!

its too hot. officially. i am constantly dizzy at work and its very smelly there.

i feel like i could say more about life and hairspray etc but i think it calls for a seperate post. so until then, my lovelies!

ps i see terrell in less than a month - boo ya kashaw!

10 excalmations

2007-07-19T00:20:00.000-05:00

1. i am feeling better!
2. today i rode in the parade on the town's float!
3. i ate too much candy!
4. i am excited about home renovations!
5. it was really hot all day!
6. i love sytycd!
7. wednesday nights with ashley are the best!
8. canadian idol sucks!
9. i am pretty tired right now!
10. traveler is the craziest show EVER!

terrell should like this post - no one loves exclamation points quite like him.

Paging Dr. House

2007-07-15T13:22:00.000-05:00

so i've been feeling crappy since wednesday, and after an unsuccessful trip to the doctor here i am on sunday, missing church and feeling like a poop sandwhich. i wish i could report better but i woke up on saturday feeling worse than ever - which is unfortch bc i was really feeling quite a bit better friday evening. now my throat is seriously KILLING me, it feels like my left eardrum is about to explode, and swallowing is basically impossible. so dad took me to the hospital where they took blood and tested me for mono. the results came back negative, but my over swollen glands (you can see them bulging on either side in my neck, two rock hard ping pong ball sized lumps that hurt like a you-know-what), inability to talk, and high fever concerned him, as did my "concerning overly high" white blood cell count (which means that my body is producing more trying to fight off some kind of infection), so he put me on some meds of some sort, i have to take three ginormous horse pills a day. yesterday all i did was take two two hour naps, and sat up for an hour inbetween. last night i forced down food bc i haven't eaten properly since wednesday because swallowing is too painful. i feel like i have definitely od-ed on advil and tylenol trying to kill the renlentless fever, and cough candies make me nauceous/do absolutely nothing. so please, pray for me, because if i don't get better i will definitely be missing a lot more work and really the pain right now is inbearable. i think my infection is moving: before it was the right side of my throat and ear, than the left, and now my left ear is like super death! i really dont understand what is wrong with my body. even if my throat problem goes away i could at least function. so yes, prayer would be nice. thanks.

thoughts.

2007-07-10T21:42:00.000-05:00

lately i have been tired.
tired but happy.
which is good.
i like being happy.
i have also been busy.
which is great.
have i mentioned that i love my job?
and how good god is to me?
i feel like these past few weeks he's been more than god to me.
he's been my friend.
and i love that!
i've been keeping a prayer journal and its going great.
i like looking back to see how he's answered prayers.
yup god's good.
and now terrell's on the phone so i gotta go.

time with terrell

2007-07-02T21:39:00.000-05:00

so its officially been a week since i left terrell's, so its about time i tell about it!

well, firstly i got to brynne's and we had a fun adventure of shoppers drug mart, construction sights, hair straightening and so you think you can dance. after very little sleep, we headed off to the airport where i checked in and boarded soon after. i flew next to a kind of creepy man to toronto, and from there to (on the smallest plane EVER) london! terrell was waiting when i got there, and i shook through our entire reunion - i'll blame it on excitement and ridic turbulence!

so we drove back to his place and unpacked my stuff. i think we hung out with his dad and chilled and then went to pick his mom up at work, because we were going to detroit for a david crowder concert!!

i know, can you believe it? it was pretty amazing - he sounds AWESOME live!! we were so close too! i think nonie was more excited than either of us, ha ha! although he sang my favorite songs so i was thrilled. it was a great time of worship and so much fun, a dream fulfilled!

the next day we chilled and watched 'myth busters', which had this guy with some amazing facial expressions that made us nearly die laughing. we ate lunch (well they ate, i was nauseous most of the weekend), played pool and frisbee outside and picked nonie up at work again and drove once again to the united states. my passport got a workout! we ate at TGIFriday's and continued on to our destination - gotta love super 8s! first we shopped and terrell bought him and myself the two heaviest books in the store, then we hung at the hotel and watched 'the pacifier' on tv. i got my own room at the hotel, it was so sweet!!

the next day we drove to frankenmuth, mich, and went to the world's largest christmas store. it. was. so. HUGE! and fantastic! you really need to see it to believe it! its 5 acres of tacky christmas amazingness! we took a lot of pictures.

after lunch at a sweet restaurant in town we checked out some shops and then drove back over the canadian border to this sweet beach town, where i think we were the only 4 people wearing shirts. or pants for that matter! that aside, terrell and i took a stroll down the beach. we had a light supper and then went to huron country playhouse to see 'cats', which actually rocked my world! the sets were fantastic, as was the makeup, costumes, singing and dancing! the plot was stupid and made no sense, but the show was brilliant, i loved it! we got home after midnight and hit the sac immediately.

sunday was the best day ever. slept in, showered, ate a delishious brunch, hung out with terrell, played dominos with him and his mom, lost horribly, went to grad where terrell wons lots of money! came home, looked at our scrapbook, ate supper, went to ryan's house where he, ben, darren, kelly and us played frisbee and roasted marshmellows. it was so much fun! it was great to hang out with his friends, and spend time with sandra and kelly. that whole night was perfect too - it was great just talking, laughing, tickling, and eating fruit loops! and i gave terrell a great new nickname! ha ha.

it really was the perfect trip. i wouldn't change a thing about it - well maybe it'd be longer...oh and my flight wouldn't be delayed and hour and a half. but it really was perfect. i got to spend so much time with him and his parents, and saw some great things and had a lot of fun. its hard to come home knowing it will be so long until i see him again, but i know time will go by fast, and that god will give me joy when i need it. and i now remember just how good it is to see him after a break from each other, so i anticipate august 29 so much more!

me and my sherrell terriff!

beautiful

2007-06-28T20:11:00.000-05:00

i am now even more convinced that wade robson is a genius. he choreographed this beautiful dance between jaimie and hok on so you think you can dance. its a love story between a flower and a humingbird, hok as the bird and jaimie the flower. at first she grows, and they are wary of eachother at first but soon....well just watch it. its maybe the most beautiful thing i've ever seen. and this is why i love dance - expression without words. amazing.

EDIT: i need to post about terrell's and i will...soon.

tomorrow, tomorrow...

2007-06-20T22:57:00.000-05:00

...you're only a day away.

no words.

2007-06-20T01:14:00.000-05:00

tomorrow i am going to winnipeg after work.

and spending the night with brynne.

then, bright and early, leamington, (and more importantly) terrell-ho!

ha ha it sounds like i'm calling him a ho. that makes me laugh.

he's no ho.

so i am packed, anxious, and so excited i feel nauceous.

like i could seriously yak. i don't know if its terrell or illness...

i'm cool like that.

2007-06-16T13:10:00.000-05:00

today is going to be fun! going to brandon with brynne. gonna get my hair cut, eat some seafood, and buy nothing because i'm poor! ha ha!

well maybe i'll buy something...

so i will be at terrell's house in 5 days, that makes me so happy its retarded! cause i get to see him! and take a break from work! and see a DAVID CROWDER concert!!

thats right, be jealous!!

work is good, i am officially off of the probation period which is nice. so now they have to keep me all summer, suckers. started at the dump this week, just for the afternoon. my boss, johnny (who i just adore) went in and made them clean up, put up a mirror, and took dirty pictures off the wall, telling me that this was "no place for a lady." it was so cute, they guys said he's never kicked up such a fuss over a summer student so he must really like me. that made me feel special! i am going to bake him cookies sometime, he's great.

the dump is gross. please, for the love of all things holy, rinse out your recyclables!! it makes my job of sorting them so much more pleasant. nothing is grosser than sorting out a bag where everything is covered in pasta sauce and the milk jugs still have milk in them. *shudder* and seriously it takes like 5 seconds to rinse stuff like that out. honestly. so do it for your friendly neighborhood recyclables sorter. they will appreciate it.

excited!

2007-06-09T16:43:00.000-05:00

sorry i've been so lazy lately, not even posting about my first week of work. i was just too pooped! mowing lawns for 7 hours a day in freezing windy weather has been exhausting. but i really enjoy it, more than my job last summer, even though i am working ten times as hard and making minimum wage instead of making $10 an hour to talk to brynne on the phone and read people magazines. its physically strenuous but i find it really enjoyable beautifying the town. no tan so far - its been SO COLD all week that i wear a tank top, t-shirt, long sleeve fleece, my coveralls (yup i wear coveralls), another fleece and then my windcoat, plus a touque and work gloves...its cold stuff! it makes peeing a process. hopefully it stays warm like it has today, my ears can't take that freezing wind much longer. i eat lunch at my baba's every day which is sweet, she feeds me too much. and then i come home, shower and veg all evening. i really wish i had energy to work out still, but i just can't. maybe next week i'll be less tired by my 8:30 start to the day. anyhoo i leave for terrell's in 12 days, i am FLIPPING EXCITED. goodness! so excited i could just...yeah i am pumped. by then it will have been 2 months since i last saw him. he's well worth the wait. so thats exciting!!

tonight is my mom's birthday party, so i'm psyched for lots of people and food. and this nice weather! oh and ps my sister graduated from u of m thursday with a degree in social work, and today she bought a wedding dress. and SYTYCD! bascially life is exciting.

Un-Free Paris

2007-06-08T21:23:00.000-05:00

Ok so apparently a judge ordered that Paris be sent back to jail this morning. Its all quite dramatic:

Paris Hilton was sent screaming and crying back to jail Friday after a judge ruled that she must serve out her sentence behind bars rather than in the comfort of her Hollywood Hills home. "It's not right!" shouted Hilton, who violated her probation in a reckless driving case. "Mom!" she cried out to her mother. Hours earlier, the 26-year-old hotel heiress was taken handcuffed from her home in a black-and-white police car, paparazzi sprinting in pursuit and helicopters broadcasting live from above. She entered the courtroom disheveled and weeping, hair askew, without makeup, wearing a fuzzy gray sweat shirt over slacks.
Before Judge Sauer, Hilton's entire body trembled as the final pitch was made for her further incarceration. She clutched a ball of tissue and tears ran down her face. Seconds later, the judge announced his decision: "The defendant is remanded to county jail to serve the remainder of her 45-day sentence. This order is forthwith."

Hilton screamed. Eight deputies immediately ordered all spectators out of the courtroom. Hilton's mother, Kathy, threw her arms around her husband, Rick, and sobbed uncontrollably. Deputies escorted Hilton out of the room, holding each of her arms as she looked back.

The dramatics are so unnecessary! Oh my word. Good for the judge though, I would be ticked if a sherriff who has the hots for Paris overruled my authority!